Sitting in Uncertainty

I’ve priced a large project, and will find out today if they are going ahead. I feel anxiety. Been here so many times, experiencing the desire, hoping it will be satisfied….sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t.

If I get it, it will keep the men in work for 3-4 months….and be a bit of a rest for me to not to have any urgency to procure work for a while, and set work up further into the future. Some security it would bring.

I would have a big project to supervise, manage and be responsible for, it’s not entirely stress free. It frees up headspace And It would give me space focus on developing my psychotherapy practise.

Sitting here with my plans in the hands of another, is stressful. The uncertainty of it. The anticipation of either joyful achievement, or disappointment.

Then I discover close friends of mine socialised with my clients the other night through a neighbour. They talked about me. They told me that the clients called me ‘timid’. That is an eye opener, I’ve been so relaxed around them. I’m curious how I could be seen as timid. The client told my friend we are still negotiating, when my friends asked if I have got their job. I thought I’d been given the go ahead for the back at least, told the men we are doing it…but now I hear we are still negotiating.

It’s not ideal, friends and clients together. Did my friends tell them I’m doing psychotherapy too? God, hope not, shit. They do gossip, those friends.

This uncertainty is painful. Actually it’s the attachment to a preferred outcome, a strong desire, that’s the painful bit. And the way my mind reacts and over thinks and ruminates. (See above!)

A disengage exercise. Imagine they write and say they have decided to put the project on hold for now. What would happen?

I would experience the sinking feeling in my body of disappointment. Of losing, not winning. And then I’d move on. I’ve been here so many times. Sitting with the uncertainty of not knowing is worse, it’s more prolonged usually. Plans on hold, in suspension, not knowing, fear arising. Anticipated rejection, taking it personally, it’s not personal. Feeling the stress in the body, it looms large, their anticipated email. Will it be joy or disappointment. The temptation to second guess myself, to criticise…

What would my next move be? Moving on is the best way to deal with a blow of disappointment.

I have 4-5 weeks left of the current project, enough time to get one of the 3 I’m designing into shape for lining up to do next. That’s all.

I’ve experienced this disappointment so many times. Happened just recently, was turned down for another big job. Had to move on, which is why I’m now focusing on this project. So if I get turned down, then I’ll move on to the next. It’s always like that. It each project has a big investment of time energy and love from me. Attachment arises! Then it can be time to drop it in a second, bang, abrupt and gone. Next one up is…..

The constant responsibility to keep pitching for work, and an income for myself, and 5 men in work is stressful. it’s what I do though. And having 12 men was even worse.

The neighbours had an all night party and I had to sleep on the kitchen sofa – 4 hours sleep. So a bit frazzled. More vulnerable and less resilient to the cut and thrust of the business world right now. I’m not even sure I was ever cut out for that actually, even though I’ve done it for the last 15 years. I feel everything so intensely.

I’ve learned to surf and manage my inner states somewhat thankfully. It’s a rollercoaster alright, but I can at least observe that it is objectively while experiencing the feelings. Good opportunity to observe the suffering of the attachment to desire live in action here.

And the iChing says “What you are worrying about today won’t be as important tomorrow so let it go.”

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