Sticky thoughts This Morning

The thoughts are random and fearful this morning. Bombarded from many angles of threat and suggestions to be fearful. You let one slip in, fear arises in response, creating an ideal fertile environment for more thoughts to be birthed.

What a level of vigilance is required to notice that first thought. And early in the morning between sleep and awareness, I seem to be more vulnerable. Well, it figures, less awake is less vigilant.

Something happened a couple of days ago that threw me off centre. Not just the event itself, but my response to it. Which I’ve judged to be a spiritual failure, and a victory for my ego. So I’m sitting uneasily with myself just now. On edge. Guilty.

And we are all on edge to an extent anyway just now. Concerned about covid, and the effect of our response to that on the economy, our society, our lives. Will lockdown be judged as a massive mistake? Perhaps.

I sometimes wonder if the more devoted we become to dispelling our delusion, the more life tests. I’m actually afraid of becoming more devoted to truth because of the inevitable tests I will bring to myself that will enable me to build my truth seeing muscles.

To this event I did not have a selfless or zen ‘leave the world alone’ response. I put my interests first, before a freelance employee and another company, a so called competitor. I put a stop to her working for him, even though it’s what she wanted and he wanted. I put my interests first. I used my influence and stopped it.

So. That’s where I’m at. An ocean believing it’s a wave. Separate. In competition with others. Imposing its will using emotional blackmail over the will of others. It hurts. So much for my fancy talk of unity and sharing and love.

And this is the world of running a business. It’s a major element of capitalism, competition. Its a conflict I’ve encountered innumerable times. I’ve gone some way to having a business that doesn’t exploit others, to be agreeable and fair, to share. I see clients employees and suppliers as friends.

That how I want it to be, and how it is on the level of the ocean, but not on the wave. To be successful in business you have to be a strong big wave, getting the most out of everyone…..rising above the competition however you can. That isn’t comfortable in my happy clappy land of universal cooperation and love that I want to believe in.

And I’m not very successful financially due to this permanent internal dissonance. Successful enough though, it’s worked to an extent. And I have been a friendly enough fairly benign wave, though regularly battered and bruised by much bigger waves who are way more comfortable in their waveness. I am seen as weak by the bigger waves, too eager to share. And yet that quality has also allowed me to survive difficult times too. Suppliers have cut me slack on payment terms, employees lent me money, and clients paid early when it’s been a squeeze. Good relationships developed have helped me a lot.

So we in business are on one level in competition with others who would wish to injure our success. That level is real in the land of fellow waves doing business. And yet I’ve managed to ignore the so called competition. Instead I’ve strived to be if not the best, among the best. That’s a lie. The best.

And if I’m the best I can nearly ignore the so called competition. I know I’m past my peak productivity and enthusiasm for this business. And probably creativity too. Younger more energetic people are coming along. Other companies are sweeping in to take over the fertile ground I’ve left behind. I’m on the decent with this and they are on the ascent. My attention is split now with other endeavours. I’ve nearly completed my therapy website.

Competition is utter illusion to the level of the ocean which knows that one persons success is another’s, that we are each other and we love each other immensely. It’s an act in a theatre production. And yet it’s what we have, this stage, requiring an act.

So I’m feeling the guilt of betraying the truth and putting self interest first. The guilt of directing the show instead of using it as study material to respond wisely. Of imposing my will over others. It’s not becoming to my self image of a caring sharing wise selflessness.

I sometimes muse that it would be fun to make friends with being the bitch of a character on the stage that I do so well. She has a caring side but mostly does what she wants, says what she thinks whatever the consequences, and is fiery, spontaneous and confident. She’s so suppressed by knowing she’s the ocean. She can’t fully get into character.

So here I am half wave half ocean and can’t enter fully into either, or won’t. It’s painful in the dramas of the wee wave. And the ocean, the real me, is just fine.

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