6am up, and was asleep by 10pm last night. Really enjoy this sleep cycle. Being up before everyone else when the world is whisper quiet out there.
I took a few days off from all but essential responsibilities this week and mostly just looked after myself. Anxiety every day, hovering, low level. Gave the dog to A, the dog walker, for 2 days. At £60 that can’t happen too often, though I did last week too.
And I did the minimum. Keeping warm, resting indoors mostly. Watering plants. Drinking tea. Letting things go a bit, my hair, tidying…fuck it. Reading lots. Studying the aspects I want to learn to make me a better therapist. Not what the course wants me to study though. Acceptance and Committment therapy, compassion based mindfulness therapy. I’m pretty much doing my own thing with the clients and it’s working really well. They are getting better. It’s not straight CBT though I used a few tools.
My head is woolly, concentration is lasting for minutes. Low motivation, low mood, lingering anxiety. Menopausal stuff despite HRT I think. Long long hours here, frittering them away. Wondering what to do. Don’t feel like doing much. Certainly not what I actually ‘should’ be doing, writing an 8000 word research project due in 8 weeks, organising a CBT course to give at least 6 people, designing the next project.
Still managed to visit the guys on site twice to check that’s going well, saw my 2 counselling clients on Wednesday and a meeting with my supervisor on Thursday. Got a new registration plate for M, picked up a survey for my next design. And handed an essay in yesterday. Though barely caring about it, it’s enough to pass and that’s good enough. Got root treatment coming at 9 this morning. I see even when I think I’m doing next to nothing, it’s quite a lot.
So unmotivated I turned down a potential client. Didn’t like the sound of them or the area they lived in, and it was a storm, so cancelled. Rescheduled and cancelled completely again. They were really pissed. So much so they left me a really bad google review. My first.
That hurt, especially in my current low mood, though I know my clumsy insensitive handling of them was to blame. So I set about contacting previous happy clients and now have loads of great reviews! Turned it round into something positive.
Got my first ever mammary scan this week too. Jesus, that really really hurt a lot. I had no idea. Fucking hell, would not have gone if I’d known. It felt like self harm. Still, I guess I’m high risk since my mum had to have hers off, and the HRT. Thought I’d be responsible. Now I’m reading a whole lot of negative stories and research about it. I didn’t think to research beforehand, just trusted the medical people. I should know better.
Another hard one was from my son who complained vehemently about having had no vaccinations as a child. He thinks it was irresponsible. At the time I had doubts that were not satisfactory answered. Anti vaxxers demonised and everyone else devoted to vaccination. I’m not anti vaccinations, I’m just not sure ‘enough’. A fiery conversation ensued. That was hard work. It led me down the rabbit hole of big pharma and the realisation that it’s still hard to find the truth despite the Internet.
There’s the whistleblowers though, the academics and doctors who have fallen from favour by speaking out about the corruption, the hidden research not made public.
Had a long walk with my friend E in the woods yesterday. It was good to be in nature and with honest chat. I like him and I feel nurtured by anyone prepared to lay themselves as bare as they feel safe to. It’s relaxing.
I’m pretty sure that my lack of motivation for design work and class work is a result of this slump in mood. I think it would look a whole lot different if I was feeling more boy isn’t inside. It all just so]pikes my anxiety though, and gets put off and put off, and that creates more anxiety.
I’m at my happiest
- Writing here sometimes
- Playing with the dog
- Taking photos and videos in nature
- Being with close friends
- Reading educational material
- Helping clients discover their strengths and feeling better about themselves
That’s it really. None of it earns me a living though!
I would like this threat detection system to be soothed and to realise that there’s nothing to be afraid of, and next to know danger.