A friend says ‘if you have two arms and two legs you have no right to be bored’. I get a cringe when I think of that. I am at a loose end and don’t know what to do to fill my days.
I just don’t know what I want to do much of the time I sit here in front of a screen reading watching things. Endless series and films. I listen to great educational audio books, maintain the business, do work for college, do counselling on Wednesdays, college all day Thursdays. Parks and woodland walks every day, mostly twice. Take creative photos. See my family and friends maybe once a week. Rest of the time I’m alone with my delightful dog.
No amount of appreciation and gratitude lists changes this, even though I do feel gratitude and appreciation very regularly. The business is going well, I’m in good health, getting good marks at college, love this flat, sleep over 7 hours, counselling clients feel better after seeing me….daily walks in nature are a joy….all going fine.
I could complain and blame the greyness of the winter, or that the business barely interests me…but it’s not really that. I peaked in stress last week trying to deal competently and responsibly with that psychotic therapy client drugged up courtesy of the psychiatric profession. Took me a couple,of days to recover, and a three day migraine.
I just have so much free time and I don’t know what to do with it. My mood is often just simply flat. Stable. Not happy, not sad. Anxiety present most of the time, low level though, not incapacitating. I have nothing to complain about! No drama, no major problems. I have everything and more that I need materially to live comfortably.
I have spent years eliminating drama from life, people that bring it, practice mindfulness every day, mood is stable.
And a voice says ‘is this it?’. Do I just continue like this? Ho hum stability. Is this what it’s like being in your 50s when your single? Would a man mate make things better? No idea, feel very little motivation to find one.
I’ve got some things I look forward to. The nature walks and photography, seeing counselling clients, close sharing encounters with the odd friend. Little chats in the park with strangers. Discovering new things in nature, especially natural springs.
But indoors here, what? It’s cosy, it’s beautiful, I look out onto trees from every window. Everything works and supports me. My bed is super duper comfy.
Then the self doubt starts whispering….am I just a ‘malcontent’ and chronic complaining whining cow?!
Life is at a peak here. Never before have I had less financial stress, relationship stress. I’m learning new things, developing a new career. Helping people I love and makes me feel useful towards easing the pain of the world. Experiencing beauty in nature that sends my heart soaring.
But right now I have 2 hours before I drop the dog off and go-a-counselling to the crisis centre. I’ll go a short walk before that.
Yesterday I did 7 miles. 2 different huge woodlands,money alone and one with a good friend and we can share authentically. It was nurturing.
And back to being indoors. What action to take? Let’s start with what I’d like more of.
Needs not being met are
- Enjoyment of looking after and nurturing people plants and animals
- Good deep open regular company
- Creativity, making things with my own hands
- More fun
So far this is what I’m doing about it
- I’m filling the house with plants, I want to be surrounded by nature and greenery and growing living things, I’m looking into getting an aquarium.
- I’m going to set up a course in confidence using CBT and Compassion based Therapy, that’s way out my comfort zone and yet I feel attracted and compelled by my course to do this.
- Creativity, what to ‘make’ I’m not sure yet, still thinking on this one. The videos are enjoyable.
So just some musings from another day In the life.