I had a dream last night about M. I was in love and longing for my ex to embrace with me and he was resisting, appearing indifferent. I wanted to be close to him so much. This guy was the answer to my dreams at first, open, affectionate, loving, vulnerable and honest, a deep thinker, and shared a lot of my great loves, beauty, nature, architecture and psychology. I awoke wondering if after all the firm evidence that a relationship of any kind is impossible, if I’m still in love with him.
After I had time to reflect on my tragic attraction to these detached insecure resistors, in attachment language, ‘avoidant’.
I seem to have a fairly secure attachment style according to the criteria and many surveys I have done, though this has changed via my experience of avoidant types. I have myself become more avoidant. I did have elements of avoidant in my profile too, and notice that I can become overwhelmed if I feel smothered by too much closeness. However I love closeness if I also am allowed space. And it’s important that desire for space isn’t interpreted as me pulling away my love, which it was with M with his insecure attachment style.
The reason for the attraction? My dad modelled it. It’s what I know, what I was brought up with, my mum moving towards him and him resisting rejecting and moving away. A detached emotionally undemonstrative person. A withholder.
I am now programmed whether I like it or not it seems, to be attracted to those types. Ones who will eventually reject, leaving me perplexed having given my best. They are just acting according to their avoidant style though, the closer we get, the more they move away and put up barriers. That used to be a god fit with my low self worth and difficulty with receiving. So good matches at the time!
It’s a little heartbreaking actually. I come across loving trustworthy openly affectionate men, and I love them as friends and yet feel no sexual attraction, or chemistry zing. That seems to mean that I’m not attracted to those with a secure attachment style.
I leave the conclusion to this journey open. For a few years I’ve had the opportunity to be on my own with all the discovery, resilience building and making peace with myself that brings.
Sunday walk time.
Learning to Rest with it All 