Daily Vicissitudes

Was awoken prematurely mid dream by the dog needing out, a brain foggy start.

I remembered the dream and in it I was feeling anxious. My friend was telling me that’s he done quite well and been responsible and sensible and has amassed £360k for his retirement.

Scary survival threat related thoughts plunged me into anxiety about my own future. Very little money saved, no pension plans here. Self criticism arrived, regret, guilt…a whole dancing party of illusory fiends.

Did my best to manage it by breathing deeply and steadily into it. Moving to mustering up some self compassion. Answered the thoughts. Never wanted to retire anyway. Can’t even imagine doing nothing. Going to keep my business for another 5 or 6 years probably and then enjoy being a therapist till I’m really old.

Sometimes I go down this fear rabbit hole and nearly everything seems to scare me. The responsibilities of this business, the staff, navigating rich business clients, being solely responsible for making a living, for big construction projects, for any mistakes, for the money, the bills, the taxes.

And my therapy clients hoping I’ll help them, and this heavy duty course.

The dog too even! Her needs in my face all day every day, just waiting for the word ‘park’.

I suspect the menopause, I’m not sure why many of us have a crisis of confidence at this age. And there’s the meaning and purpose upheaval that is the personal reckoning of being nearly mid 50s.

I wrote out a total do’ list to disentangle from the swirling ‘should’s in my head.

It helped to organise goals for the coming days. Once it’s down on paper I can score them off. I only seem to need to do this when I’m feeling fear. When I’m not, I can feel the deeper promptings which just tell me what I need to do minute to minute. Fear interferes with this subtle communication from within.

A walk in the park with a historian I by chance met was a fine salve.

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