A Sofa Day

Body is tired, earache, sore throat, it’s been raining all day long and it was almost dark at around 3.30pm. One of those.

I came off HRT abruptly a few weeks back, after 8 or 9 years on it. I thought that nothing had happened and now I’m experiencing something. Skin itchy, dry, thin and tissue like, swollen face, eyes. Went back on it yesterday, fuck that.

Managed a 2 mile walk before 12, up the river and through the woods with the dog. She is wondering when her usual second walk is going to happen. It’s not. We will do a car trip in a while, that will do for today, a mostly indoors one.

It’s a Saturday and I give myself permission do whatever I want. Guilt comes and I remind myself that it is recovery from the busy week. Reading, listening, watching, endless cups of tea and a lot of lying down. Relaxing. Not much choice.

No inclination or energy to rally myself. Just staying still. Today is a ‘holding’ day, not much movement forwards or back. Small achievements are enough, emptying the dish washer, staying warm and comfy, bowl of cereal, sorting some money stuff online, replying to an email. Well enough.

Thinking about my new client and reading up on meningitis recovery. Want to do the best I can to help her.

Haven’t spoken to anyone today, other than a few words with a fellow dog walker this morning. That’s unusual for me. These days are odd, non memorable. And that is okay. I’m safe, I’m well, and even somewhat contented. Eating little and still no alcohol. All is well.

I keep having the thought that I “should’ be doing something on my to-do list. The mood sinks at the thought. It’s one big ‘no’ from inside. It’s only 6 and I’ve been lying here for what feels like so long. Well it is, about 5 hours.

‘Nothing to do, nowhere to go’ for today.

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