This has been a challenging process for me. As a person addicted to optimism and a delight of imagining that anything is possible for my life, the reality of experience has stepped in.
- I had great big dreams of somehow effortlessly living in a fabulous house of my dreams
- An expectation that my huge levels of energy would just continue through life
- of having enough money for it never to be a worry
- of having a whole lot of people around me regularly I love.
- Dreams of changing the world, of making a big difference in some way
- a strong conviction that if I trust people I will bring out the best in them because we are all good and loving inside.
So reality stepped in. And smashed all that to pieces. And it has been a hard adjustment. These things had become part of my identity, as they were with me for so long. I have to be careful how I interpret these adjustments.
Experience has showed me it’s not so easy making money by having a business that is subject to the weather, and requires an energy level that is gradually depleting with age.
That people are not always looking for win win solutions and some just want to win whatever the cost, that’s their game and rules for living.
That people, friends family, move away, die, and sometimes you grow out of others. And find yourself more alone.
And then there is the no small matter of moving forward with the brakes on.
These brakes are my own self limiting unconscious and habitual conditioned beliefs, about how much I deserve in life. My attachment to guilt. Fears of being successful.
These have largely been ameliorated by becoming conscious of them and applying copious amounts of self compassion and gradually taking the steps into scary new territory of allowing more joy. Love and abundance in.
These fears are not to be underestimated though.
Even now I don’t know exactly if the fact that I have avoided the design sitting in my drawing board for months, a really good £80k project, is simply self sabotage.
So I’m going with it. I’m remembering to encourage myself by being aware that I have already achieved a lot on my own. The business makes enough money, just. I’m learning to be a therapist and in 10 months I will be qualified.
And also gratitude. This is where all the 100s of small good facts that often pass unnoticed, are helpful to remember. Maybe I can be content with what I have. Lower expectations of this big wild adventure I wanted life to be and replace it with a quieter version of being thankful
- for good health
- kind friends and family
- the daily chatty contact with dog walkers in the park
- the abundance of beautiful woodland waterfalls, river, kingfishers, children playing
- An adorable son who is living his own life as he wishes, who is self aware
- A comfy beautiful flat I own in a convenient area
- A dog sitter who allows me to do my 1.5 days a week therapy practice and course
- Staff I really like and trust to get on with the work freeing me up
- 3 projects lined up for through the winter, more than I had last year
- For the opportunity to lift some of the suffering going on out there
Just a few small things. Maybe that’s all that is required. At the moment. Impatience has been tempered by the patience that comes with experience and age. Being 54 isn’t so bad, it’s really not.