You Get What you Feel you Deserve

And that doesn’t apply to being struck by a random childhood disease and the likes.

I have noticed how challenging it has been to rise above early conditioning. We learn early on what we believe we deserve.

If I believe I am undeserving of going beyond what I’m used to in terms of happiness, accepting love and success, I’m going to unconsciously keep it away. It’s unknown, uncomfortable, scary.

The low self esteem I was brought up with and unhealthy relationship role models have crippled my ability to easily fulfil potential in some areas of life. It doesn’t mean that I can’t, but that there are some extra hurdles in the way.

I have had experiences of sabotaging my success unconsciously after a year a few years ago of experiencing unusual financial success. I remember how scary that felt, even though I loved it was and was delighted consciously about it. The following year I earned even less than normal, as if compensating for the increase, by taking on a risky project that lost me a lot of money.

Unconscious beliefs, bugs buried deep in the system, that cause me to feel uncomfortable when life gets ‘too good’. I’ve written about this many times I know, and I’m still a work in progress and I’m now wondering how this applies to society at large.

I did not have the worst upbringing by any standards, I was supported and educated well in so many ways. But I was bashed about enough, called names and treated badly enough to feel I must deserve that treatment, that I must be bad. Kids decide they must deserve whatever treatment they get early on. I absorbed what I saw, that life would be a struggle, and relationships Mostly lead to pain.

I have been studying how those who are brought up in healthier and often wealthier environments seem to thrive in society, long stable marriages, successful careers, no money worries.

For example, I looked through the entire main cast of Game of Thrones and nearly all of them come from highly privileged backgrounds, with professional parents many with contacts in the industry, private education and the freedom to enter a field (acting) where financial support is likely necessary till they become established. That was the fertiliser that allowed these people to fulfil their dreams and their potential.

I look at people who come from deprivation and see how difficult it is for them to reach or even discover their potential or know they have one. To believe in themselves, to feel deserving and allow in the best in life in all respects. I think this needs to be included in the poverty discussion. As well as what trauma does to children and how it effects them as adults. This thankfully is now being spotlighted.

I’ve been watching the journey of the very talented articulate Darren McGarvey who has risen from drug and alcohol addiction, who grew up in a deprived background surrounded by substance abuse and violence and who has now achieved success with his writing and now finds himself on the BBC being interviewed. He talks openly about his imposter syndrome. The inner turmoil of ‘jumping ship’ from his old life to his new success. He he relapses and sabotages as he gets used to being successful. I hope he can learn to maintain stability.

So when I look at people and their lives now, whether they are in a situation of striving or struggle, wealth or poverty, happiness or depression…..I wonder how much of their circumstances are due to their own belief that this is what they deserve. I’m still in a state of curiosity and study and I don’t know the answers, but I’m seeing a pattern.

I’m seeing how the ‘class’ structure effects people, how it becomes their culture and ingrained identity that we get stuck in more often than not. We don’t tend to mingle socially outside our given class. And that is a subject for another day. But it’s very much part of what suppresses our potential, and how we also keep each other ‘in line’.

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