I noticed a thought that I felt embarrassed to witness this morning.
The thought was, ‘I hope she notices how special, high quality and expensive my top is, especially with the exquisite bead work on the sleeves’, when I met a fellow dog walker this morning. A wealthy woman I sometimes bump into.
A desire to impress right there. Ouch!
Part of me likes to pretend to myself that I’m above all that.
I’m not, and it’s certainly not the first time I’ve had those kinds of thoughts about wanting to impress others.
Dropping social status comments when around wealthy people. Pretending to be part of their club. Or having a thought that I hope whoever thinks I’m cool listening to the music on in the car, even my men who work for me. Ouch ouch!
I ponder it, walking away along the river. What is a wish to impress? A desire for acceptance. To belong. A desire not to be rejected. Social status posturing is a manifestation of a wish to be loved when with those who have a lot of money, more than me. ‘Please love and accept me’!
It happens also when with poorer people than me too. I hope and try and make sure that they are not impressed.
If I were with one of my relatively poorer neighbours, I’d probably wish the opposite, and hope that they don’t notice how high quality my top is. And if they did, I’d tell them that I got it second hand on eBay, which I did. Information I’d probably not share with the wealthy person if they asked.
I noticed when my neighbours came to my flat and were super impressed with it, I was quick to mention how many things I bought in charity shops. So they didn’t think I was a whole lot richer than them. Again a wish to belong, to be loved, not to feel rejected.
The thoughts, all of them, they come and they go. They are random, continuous and uncontrollable. We can choose whether to buy into a thought though, to believe what it says. Many many of mine are just reflexes, chit chat, boring, meaningless and deserve to be noticed and simply let go of. Sometimes a thought can inspire. Usually when it comes out of deep silence for me.
And sometimes they give insight to our insecurities.
How I reflect on my thoughts determines how I will feel.
I see that with this thought, it means I’m human and want to be loved and accepted and not to be rejected or on the outside of the ‘group’ whatever the group is. And there’s a tinge of my childhood middle class conditioning that social status matters.
That conditioning says that the richer or the better your taste is, the more important your status is in society. This conditioning exists nearly throughout society. And it’s also natural. We are animals and animals have a social hierarchy. Humans though have made a big meal out of this though and we focus on material wealth as a result.
I could have criticised myself, or taken it as an indication that there’s something ‘wrong’ with me that needs to be fixed and that I’m not very spiritually advanced, that I have a big ego.
Or I can see that it’s okay, and its all okay to be human. And vulnerable, and desiring of love and acceptance. No need to be ashamed.
And I continue loving and accepting myself more and more and more including the bits that are a bit embarrassing xxx