Ennui

I’m giving this feeling a name while at the same time aware I have to be careful about labelling what is going on on at the moment.

It’s such a transition period. I suppose writing here is inviting definitions. I want to though, I find it therapeutic.

Though the mind wants to give it a label. It wants to work out what’s ‘wrong’ with me. It keeps asking if there is something wrong with me. Why do I feel so tired and unmotivated, and yet oddly slightly content. Yes, slightly. There’s a lot of anxiety around inside. Mostly caused by thoughts and beliefs of what I feel I ‘should’ be doing, and ‘should’ be feeling. My mind is critical that I’m wasting time. It suggests I’m sabotaging myself and that I don’t know how to be happy. It says so many things.

I just keep returning to the trees out the window, I tickle the dogs tummy, arrange a walk with a friend.

I’m curious to see what I do actually do. It feels like very little and a lot of lying around.

What have had the energy to do this last week? Including really insignificant actions too, including ones that don’t require effort like lying down!

Write here
Take the dog for walks a couple of times a day in the park
Visit the team on site most days and give input as required
Answer emails and file them
Deal with snagging and previous clients
Watch ted talks, Oprah talks, drama series and films
Cook dinner
Make lots of cups of tea
Took rug cleaner to my mums, show her how to work it, pick it up and carry it up the steps
Cleaned the rug again with the rug cleaner
Filled up and carried downstairs several buckets of water and a brush. Washed up the spilled used (yuck) cat litter outside twice with brush that someone dropped with bleach and disinfectant
Messaging with my son
Drop the dog at the dog walker and pick it up
Pick up other peoples litter here and at the park
Pay bills, pay the guys, keep an eye on finances
Visit My mum and U
Talk to S on the phone
Meet my uncle for a walk and coffee in the park
Go for a cycle
Read articles and the news
Lie on the sofa for extended periods and watch things and browse the Internet
Make my bed nicely each day
Keep myself and my clothes fairly clean
Fill and empty the dish washer
Go shopping
Look after my tennis elbow which aches every day.
Take folders of cbt worksheets. drive to the coast and Counsel one to 3 clients an afternoon a week and fill in reports
Texted my sister, the guys, clients
write encouraging comments on some fb posts and lots of scrolling for things of beauty or interest
Get the robotic hoover to clean the floors each day and clean the brushes and empty the dog hairs
Take the bin out every other day and replace bag
Pull out Himalayan balsam from an area of the river edge to keep it clear
Took the dog to the dog groomer and pick her up
Went to the hairdresser and nail technician
Took the van to the garage and walk back
Take omega 3 and vitamins in the morning
Chatted to people every day in the park
Forward invoices to the accountant daily