Ennui


I’m giving this feeling a name while at the same time aware I have to be careful about labelling what is going on on at the moment.

It’s such a transition period. I suppose writing here is inviting definitions. I want to though, I find it therapeutic.

Though the mind wants to give it a label. It wants to work out what’s ‘wrong’ with me. It keeps asking if there is something wrong with me. Why do I feel so tired and unmotivated, and yet oddly slightly content. Yes, slightly. There’s a lot of anxiety around inside. Mostly caused by thoughts and beliefs of what I feel I ‘should’ be doing, and ‘should’ be feeling. My mind is critical that I’m wasting time. It suggests I’m sabotaging myself and that I don’t know how to be happy. It says so many things.

I just keep returning to the trees out the window, I tickle the dogs tummy, arrange a walk with a friend.

I’m curious to see what I do actually do. It feels like very little and a lot of lying around.

What have had the energy to do this last week? Including really insignificant actions too, including ones that don’t require effort like lying down!

  • Write here
  • Take the dog for walks a couple of times a day in the park
  • Visit the team on site most days and give input as required
  • Answer emails and file them
  • Deal with snagging and previous clients
  • Watch ted talks, Oprah talks, drama series and films
  • Cook dinner
  • Make lots of cups of tea
  • Took rug cleaner to my mums, show her how to work it, pick it up and carry it up the steps
  • Cleaned the rug again with the rug cleaner
  • Filled up and carried downstairs several buckets of water and a brush. Washed up the spilled used (yuck) cat litter outside twice with brush that someone dropped with bleach and disinfectant
  • Messaging with my son
  • Drop the dog at the dog walker and pick it up
  • Pick up other peoples litter here and at the park
  • Pay bills, pay the guys, keep an eye on finances
  • Visit My mum and U
  • Talk to S on the phone
  • Meet my uncle for a walk and coffee in the park
  • Go for a cycle
  • Read articles and the news
  • Lie on the sofa for extended periods and watch things and browse the Internet
  • Make my bed nicely each day
  • Keep myself and my clothes fairly clean
  • Fill and empty the dish washer
  • Go shopping
  • Look after my tennis elbow which aches every day.
  • Take folders of cbt worksheets. drive to the coast and Counsel one to 3 clients an afternoon a week and fill in reports
  • Texted my sister, the guys, clients
  • write encouraging comments on some fb posts and lots of scrolling for things of beauty or interest
  • Get the robotic hoover to clean the floors each day and clean the brushes and empty the dog hairs
  • Take the bin out every other day and replace bag
  • Pull out Himalayan balsam from an area of the river edge to keep it clear
  • Took the dog to the dog groomer and pick her up
  • Went to the hairdresser and nail technician
  • Took the van to the garage and walk back
  • Take omega 3 and vitamins in the morning
  • Chatted to people every day in the park
  • Forward invoices to the accountant daily

All of this I feel motivated to do, and it’s mostly it’s things I have to do to keep on living.

It’s quite a lot I suppose for a burned out business chick! Well done me x

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