Limbo

Can’t go back to the way things were and the new is yet to materialise, and here I am in a state of exhaustion, marinating.

At this time, lasting many months now, there are ways I can nurture myself, and keep my inner love bank filled. Gentle quiet ways of looking after myself. This is where the small things in life are a big support and salve for the weariness.

• I walked slowly in the park today, through gardens of flowers, paused to watch a bee. Deeply taking in the beauty and simplicity of the moment
• Throwing the ball for the dog, enjoying her beauty and her fun
• Lying down when I need to, learning not to feel guilty about that
• Doing what I need to do to keep the business going and no more.
• Not beating myself up for being in this state. I don’t often succeed in this, I have many should’s trying to barge in hourly. This is an uncreative time for me, that’s been hard.
• Sleeping well by going to bed early, 9pm most nights, often asleep by 9.30. Average sleep this year according to the Fitbit is 7.5 hours, compared to the average 2 years ago which was 6.5 hours.
• No alcohol. No point in interfering with my brain chemistry at this time and muddying the waters and maybe interfering with my recovery
• Eating little, but enough to stop sugar levels dropping. I’m going to reappraise my intake of sugar too
• Watching the thoughts I allow to remain in my mind. Noticing stress producing thoughts and letting them go as soon as they are noticed. There are many unknowns ahead and this can tamps worry thoughts, so extra love and care here.
• Listening to uplifting or moving music, and even having a little dance here and there.
• Maintaining a clean house, doing much of it myself, but also have the help of a cleaner once a week. And leaning on other help too, like the dog walker some days and having my hair washed once a week at the hairdresser. Nails done every 2 weeks. Looking after myself in these ways makes me feel nurtured.
• Really enjoying the gifting and receiving love from the dog.
• Feeling gratitude that I have a beautiful apartment, that is safe and quiet and watertight
• Being around a few unexausting people. I appreciate them. Clare’s group is a big support.
• Gratitude that I’m going into my final year of training to be a psychotherapist. This is an interesting journey that may lead, well I don’t know, but new possibilities beckon.

I have a lot of emotions arising and quietening. There is a sadness that it has taken me this long to allow myself to have things in life which for so many others is just normal. Like a nice house.

I feel envy at times when I witness so many people not lonely at all, living successful lives with a supportive loving partner and working as a team to bring up their kids, grow their social lives, prepare for a secure old age. All of that has been an alien to me and yet it’s the norm out there.

And so I have done it alone much of the time. And yes I’ve done well and achieved a lot, running a business and being a single parent, doing courses, but wow, I see now that it has been so much harder this way. And for my son too. Yes well done to me. I’ve done the best I could.

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