More sunshine and more anxiety


Just had a walk up the river with the dogs, yesterday it was through the bluebells in the woods with an old friend. So many quality experiences. Yesterday I also had a session with my therapist, and after it my anxiety had nearly gone.

It’s good to talk! I decided to get some cbt therapy since I’m studying it so that I can experience being on the other side of it, as a client. I’m benefitting from it. She is already drilling into core beliefs that conflict with my goals…so we have plenty to work with.

When your feelings are disregarded as a child, then you grow up believing they are not important, that you are not important.

So you don’t look after yourself very well. Or know how to receive love easily. Or feel you deserve it. If someone else is there that does love you it mitigates it to an extent, like it did with me.

When you grow up in a ‘dangerous’ aggressive environment then danger becomes normal and you don’t know how to or have a desire to avoid it as an adult. Security is alien so you don’t relish or seek it and don’t look after yourself. You hang out in dangerous situations without a second thought. Until you become aware of it that is, and it no longer runs the show unconsciously.

I’ve learned to value stability security and being a better friend to myself. But it’s still not the norm and I feel that I’m in an alien world at times. And importantly I always keep an element of danger in my life too. Behaviours that are a bit close to the edge…it’s a little like an addiction. But it’s stressful too, to keep a business running without any financial buffer that could end easily.

Even my apathy about the business could be a response or a rebellion against success. I’m not sure. I’ve never been very driven by money though so that comes into it too.

When you grow up in a drama filled environment drama becomes the norm and stability is boring, or scary so you end up in drama filled life situations.

Becoming conscious of these unconscious patterns an childhood imprinting is the key to unlock the door to greater choice.

It’s hard work facing the old wounds, and learning nearly from scratch how to be a friend to yourself. I was lucky that I had a grandmother who showed me love and respect and apologised even for my mum’s behaviour. Somehow having an adult that believed in me made a huge difference.

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