Have gone many many days now in a state of relative stability and wellbeing and so far have not done anything major to undo it. Woohoo!
Have not bitten my nails, next to no drinking (other than a couple of gins on Sunday night) or overeating. Those are the 3 I normally use to sabotage my wellbeing. All bring guilt which lowers my mood. Worry too, and that’s been coming upon me hard and fast.
I had some worry thoughts arising lying in bed this morning. I had to work hard to notice each one as it arrived and stay aware before it got a full hold of my nervous system and set a spiral going of anxiety. Worry thoughts about my son being in Cambodia, about money, about clients…..just random stuff really. It could be literally anything. The brain is sensing this at-ease-ness and it’s stimulating it’s old desire to look for threats.
I just about managed though, tinges of anxiety accompanied the thoughts but letting those thoughts go as quickly as I noticed them, gently, and breathing a bit slower and purposefully helped me return to balance.
So building on this sense of stability, after a lifetime of addiction to drama. The price seems to be boredom though. Despite all my appreciation I’m sitting here with nothing to do, though I’m listening to a great audiobook called Resilience by Rick Hanson.
I’m taking tools from the shop to the guys and seeing a possible new client this afternoon. Have been for a walk in 2 different parks. And what to do now? I don’t know. There’s nothing I need to do particularly.
I do have a lot lot of time on my hands. Yet I’m ‘doing’ a lot. I’m running a business, employing people, visiting our construction sites, seeing new clients, pricing work, designing, marketing, answering emails, navigating finances with suppliers, keeping vehicles legal, buying a new van, selling a digger and dumper, doing a cbt course for a weekend a month, the odd essay, counselling people on a Wednesday afternoon, walking the dog several times a day, doing shopping, cleaning, And yet there’s just so much time available to me. A lot going on and yet long long hours ahead of nothing needing done.
And I’m not sure what to do with it. And I’m aware that’s what most people would wish for. It’s hardly something to complain about. I seem to be waiting for something.
To give birth to something while I settle and process all the inner reorientation. I’m being patient, well I’m developing more patience.
Midnight walk the other night….