New territory, Dread and Courage

I did my first counselling session with a real client last week! It came naturally and went smoothly. I was happy to be able to help and encourage a young man in distress. Second session this week. And a second client too.

I’m curious and delighted that it went so well.

On Friday I presented the idea of running a CBT confidence building course to a group of 20 women in substance recovery. I’m planning on making it empowering and teaching the benefits of self compassion. It’s something I feel passionate about, being of benefit to others. I think most of us could do with more confidence. I’m scared too….me designing and presenting a course to 15-20 women, oh my. I’m amazed to find I’m willing to do this. Why not?!

While this new side of life is taking off, the other side, the business and earning money side is falling flat at the moment. Partly through my lack of interest this year, part;y spending so much on this flat and having to oversee the work while doing three landscape projects, partly Clients nervous about Brexit and holding off, partly clients still owing me money they aren’t parting with, and it’s been a very hard year with many horrible experiences with clients and even staff.

I’m feeling quite low. Worry thoughts are coming relentlessly, watching them bombarding me like a machine gun. I have tax and supplier bills and no money to pay them. I’m having to lay the men off due to a cancelled project. I have no idea how I will get through this next 2 months at the moment. Will I have to sell my car, or even my flat? Fear arises…..and then….Isn’t it great that I have those options another voice inside says. So what about either of those material things.

I wake up and almost before I awake the thoughts come. One or two ‘grab’ me but I quickly notice what I’m doing to myself. And I don’t want to hurt myself like that, with feelings of dread. So I watch and let them go, watch them and let them go. The dread subsides and I get up, ready for the challenges of a new week.

Winter is a bit of a grind each year, even with the difficulties it presents for doing outdoor work, only a few hours of daylight is tough! This picture was taken at 2.30 yesterday, and it’s actually sunset!

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