Stable week amid Storms


Mostly due to keeping myself on track with actions that make me feel good and avoiding those that don’t. A lot going on tempting me into anxiety.

-Twice daily walks in nature are my mainstay and high point of the day, easily by a mile. Mindfulness comes easily while watching the river flow by, pausing to observe the colours of the sunset, listening to the distant buzzards. It’s just a city park, but it’s nature. Any nature works for me. If I’m stressing out, freaking out with stress in the car, I will look for the nearest tree out the window. Instantly it comes down a few notches. I breathe. In and out, in and out.

-I have all but cut out alcohol. I can’t say I feel a whole lot better or happier, but it hasn’t changed anything. It was just a pointless habit, that made me feel slightly guilty. So I guess I’ve cut some guilt out which is always helpful.

-Practicing mindfulness a lot more. I need to, it’s my refuge. The present moment. I don’t feel afraid when I’m present right now it’s very second, well not to the same extent anyway. I think it’s important to say that mindfulness when you are very stressed, works best in short regular bursts.

Short moments taken many times a day, are just as if not more effective that sitting for half an hour in silence.

There are times when I just have too much anxiety to sit, and that’s most of the time. I will write a separate post on this as it’s important. There’s a lot of people out there thinking that they can’t do mindfulness, or for whom it may even be harmful.

– I have distanced from another negative person. I’m helping and supporting from a distance and protecting myself from the onslaught of complaints from the much loved but depressed person. And supporting those who are in the front line with her more than her directly.

-I have had a meeting with 2 positive people I like very much and with whom I can be authentic and a progressive loving energy results.

-I am listening to encouraging audiobooks almost all the time, in the house and in the car. At the moment it’s Living Without Stress or Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh.

-I listen to guided meditations by Tara Brach every night

-I remember that there is a lot to be thankful for. I often forget this amid anxiety about the future, that right now I am warm, safe, well and have people in my life I love and are loved by.

Outside circumstances are challenging me to become afraid – and as the temptation to fear increases so must my self care so that I can at least keep my head above the water. There are times every day I even feel happy and full of thanks!

I’m in probably the worst situation business wise right now. A project we were about to start the client is having second thoughts about and has withdrawn the go-ahead on it. I will find out this week if they want us to do it or not. He said he would let me know but didn’t last week. He asked for discounts which I gave him. That may have been a mistake – I don’t know. But it’s tension waiting, not knowing if the men have work up to Xmas and me an income. Client saying he can’t afford it. (Btw He is worth £90 million!).

For one team I have nothing lined up for them after next week. The second team have 3 more weeks work.

These circumstances have led me into high levels of worry and fear. So I have had to take a hold of this. I allow myself to feel the fear when it comes. However I do not mentally ruminate about it to any great extent. It’s the stories and elaborations in my mind that intensify the painful feelings.

What I can do is be kind to myself. Feel the suffering and embrace myself with love and compassion.

What will be, will be. I have done my best and now it’s waiting to see where the chips land.

On a positive note I got a new client last week and the go ahead for a design from another I thought had rejected my quite high design fee. It doesn’t help the current situation but it gives hope for next year. I already have a 10 week job lined up for February.

3 Comments

  1. Powerful post Susan. So many ‘knowledge bombs’ in your reflections. I especially loved this part: “What I can do is be kind to myself. Feel the suffering and embrace myself with love and compassion.” Wishing you a week filled with self-trust, love, and serenity, Andrea xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Andrea. Everything has changed since I discovered embracing whatever I’m experiencing. I’m still learning to do this, the resistance is a strong old habit, but turning towards painful feelings is a lot more nurturing than squirming away, or trying to. But first I had to decide I wanted to, and that was the biggest hurdle, feeling worthy of it. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

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