And I keep on falling and picking myself up, falling and crashing and then up and out of these slumps takes place. Glad that I am learning to nurture myself with a good dose of self compassion thrown in.
So I am taking myself out into nature more often for some air and beauty, trees and water. Had a good walk with a guy I know from one of the groups the other day, enjoyed his depth. Thought of him as a new pal. He said to let him know when I’m next going…
So I invited this new pal to come for a walk yesterday and he didn’t even reply to my text invitation. Another slump in mood. Self doubt rushes in….Maybe this maybe that. Let go. I observe that my reaction is effected by the years of this type of unresponsiveness from M. It hurts. It feels like a rejection. I have to be vigilant and aware of the thoughts that arise. These create feelings, and then actions….
I just gave myself a physical hug literally put my arms around myself. It’s all okay.
I forgave myself for a few things this week. For biting my nails right down again. I always feel so guilty about harming myself in this way. And I get lost down a rabbit hole of thoughts that start something like ‘what’s wrong with me?’.
And I am congratulating myself for taking a risk the other day. I gave a short presentation to 20 women about the cbt service I’m offering. Quite a few signed up. This is a necessary part of my course. To practise cbt on people. I am pleased I was able to stand up in front of all those people and that what came out my mouth made sense.
I’m pleased with myself that I’m doing the course, it’s a little ray of freedom from running this business which has been such a source of stress especially this year. So so many passed off clients.
I am facing with compassion the suffering I’m experiencing just now. I am really stressed out at the moment actually, about money as I so often am. Always in arrears in business from so many years ago and the 30k hit I had to pay that client this year. And the other clients who didn’t pay me fully. And D shouting at clients and their neighbours making the clients pissed off at me. And badly effecting our reputation. I had to sack him the other week. Much as I do really like him, he is a liability to the business.
Oh and I lean on alcohol to ease the stress too often and as an end of day way of giving myself a treat. I had been drinking very moderately for many months now, never enough to actually get drunk or have a hangover the next day. Then during last week I blew that moderation and the regret was enormous the next day, not just physically. Again guilt. Bit my nails down till they were sore on that night, almost drew blood. That’s basically self harm.
Doing things that make me feel guilty….I’m observing that with curiosity, and wondering what it is about. Addiction, habit, crutches…then I stop and see how easy that is, how it just goes out of my mind. And I find other ways of ‘treating’ myself to something in the long evenings. Like making time to do something that improves my life. Reading and learning about life and issues for example, enrichment.
And I notice it’s usually after a good experience that I fuck things up for myself. Even in small ways. I wish I could cry! I want to cry. I did cry in the car the other day. It was a short outburst of tears, and felt good after.
So let’s end on a little gratitude note. My moods are so up and down, and gratitude heals my angstyness.
- Thank you for my son who I love and admire dearly and love talking to
- Thank you for the encouragement I get from U and for S
- For my good health
- For my most adorable dog
- For living next to a huge woodland
- For my lovely flat
- For this comfy chair
- For the music I am listening to
- For G and M
- For the good company of my family, mum sister and uncle
- My friendly neighbours
- Tara Brach’s meditations and talks
- The fact that I can see a way forward to improving my life with a new less stressful career
- I live in a safe area in a safe country
Every time I write a gratitude list I feel so much better, blessed and fortunate
Thank you life for supporting me.