Allowing the Good stuff

I’m aware that when I do something really really nice for myself a part of me Is doubtful that it is okay. It is metaphorically looking back to see if something bad is about to happen. ‘Is this allowed’ a little voice asks inside? The voice of a child, that didn’t feel deserving of happiness for herself.

I see now that much if not all of the hardship I have allowed to enter and continue in my life was the result of a belief that I held that this was how life is to be for me, full of mostly struggle with occasional relief fun and joy ‘allowed’.

When things go well for me, I have often done something to interfere with it.

These days though, my guilt isn’t always genuine. I can allow good things now, take actions that are conducive to wellbeing….and the catch is that now there’s a little voice that says that I should feel guilty about not feeling guilty. Sigh lol! This process….it takes one into unexpected places. Certainly hasn’t been a quick switch from self harm to self nurturing. So maybe I can turn down the volume of guilt about allowing it.

So I watch and listen and feel and allow and sooth. It’s okay I say. I feel safe.

And then gratitude. My lists are healing.

  • Thank you to C for facilitating an authentic connections group last night where we shared so honestly
  • Thanks to the dog for making me laugh and walk at dawn in the park today
  • Thanks to my car for taking me there
  • For the heating warming me right now
  • The delicious cup of tea with honey in front of me
  • For the the supermarket open at 7 this morning
  • For my discovery that lactose was giving me multiple mouth ulcers and now I have barely any ever since I stopped taking it
  • For the fact that my son is in regular easy contact
  • For the lovely Winifred
  • The lively Steph
  • The reliable mum
  • The quirky una
  • The warm and welcoming Mary and glen and I love his lateral thinking
  • All the friendly chatty dog walkers I meet almost every day
  • My wildly warm and full of personality dog sitter
  • The dog groomer
  • The very nice men who work for me

And so on and on, there is so much to be grateful for, thank you thank you!

1 Comment

  1. Susan
    I fell upon this entry and have found encouragement and sweet self compassion…. thank you…. I am so attracted to the photo as well…. opening a gate that is not locked- even though I perceived it as locked -certain it was to remain locked – no entry for me – but now a new awareness: it is NOT locked, I can open it and move/shift into a new space without struggle, shame or guilt….

    Liked by 1 person

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