Allowing the Good stuff

I’m aware that when I do something really really nice for myself a part of me Is doubtful that it is okay. It is metaphorically looking back to see if something bad is about to happen. ‘Is this allowed’ a little voice asks inside? The voice of a child, that didn’t feel deserving of happiness for herself.

I see now that much if not all of the hardship I have allowed to enter and continue in my life was the result of a belief that I held that this was how life is to be for me, full of mostly struggle with occasional relief fun and joy ‘allowed’.

When things go well for me, I have often done something to interfere with it.

These days though, my guilt isn’t always genuine. I can allow good things now, take actions that are conducive to wellbeing….and the catch is that now there’s a little voice that says that I should feel guilty about not feeling guilty. Sigh lol! This process….it takes one into unexpected places. Certainly hasn’t been a quick switch from self harm to self nurturing. So maybe I can turn down the volume of guilt about allowing it.

So I watch and listen and feel and allow and sooth. It’s okay I say. I feel safe.

And then gratitude. My lists are healing.

• Thank you to C for facilitating an authentic connections group last night where we shared so honestly
• Thanks to the dog for making me laugh and walk at dawn in the park today
• Thanks to my car for taking me there
• For the heating warming me right now
• The delicious cup of tea with honey in front of me
• For the the supermarket open at 7 this morning
• For my discovery that lactose was giving me multiple mouth ulcers and now I have barely any ever since I stopped taking it
• For the fact that my son is in regular easy contact
• For the lovely Winifred
• The lively Steph
• The reliable mum
• The quirky una
• The warm and welcoming Mary and glen and I love his lateral thinking
• All the friendly chatty dog walkers I meet almost every day
• My wildly warm and full of personality dog sitter
• The dog groomer
• The very nice men who work for me

And so on and on, there is so much to be grateful for, thank you thank you!