I’m aware that when I do something really really nice for myself a part of me Is doubtful that it is okay. It is metaphorically looking back to see if something bad is about to happen. ‘Is this allowed’ a little voice asks inside? The voice of a child, that didn’t feel deserving of happiness for herself.
I see now that much if not all of the hardship I have allowed to enter and continue in my life was the result of a belief that I held that this was how life is to be for me, full of mostly struggle with occasional relief fun and joy ‘allowed’.
When things go well for me, I have often done something to interfere with it.
These days though, my guilt isn’t always genuine. I can allow good things now, take actions that are conducive to wellbeing….and the catch is that now there’s a little voice that says that I should feel guilty about not feeling guilty. Sigh lol! This process….it takes one into unexpected places. Certainly hasn’t been a quick switch from self harm to self nurturing. So maybe I can turn down the volume of guilt about allowing it.
So I watch and listen and feel and allow and sooth. It’s okay I say. I feel safe.
And then gratitude. My lists are healing.
- Thank you to C for facilitating an authentic connections group last night where we shared so honestly
- Thanks to the dog for making me laugh and walk at dawn in the park today
- Thanks to my car for taking me there
- For the heating warming me right now
- The delicious cup of tea with honey in front of me
- For the the supermarket open at 7 this morning
- For my discovery that lactose was giving me multiple mouth ulcers and now I have barely any ever since I stopped taking it
- For the fact that my son is in regular easy contact
- For the lovely Winifred
- The lively Steph
- The reliable mum
- The quirky una
- The warm and welcoming Mary and glen and I love his lateral thinking
- All the friendly chatty dog walkers I meet almost every day
- My wildly warm and full of personality dog sitter
- The dog groomer
- The very nice men who work for me
And so on and on, there is so much to be grateful for, thank you thank you!