I went to dinner last night at my mums, and my cousin was there too. I was exhausted after a very busy week juggling work and tradesmen at the new flat. Wasn’t looking my best as a result but I thought being family, it would be okay.
Out of nowhere she announced at the table that she would like to see me with a change of hairstyle. I responded by asking her to stop criticising. It turned into a fight. She was furious that I said it in front of the cousin. Accused me of criticising her. Went in a huff.
Last time, I saw her I was wearing a favourite outfit and she said ‘that colour is no good on you’. She acts like she is some sort of authority on clothes decor, and well, anything and everything.
These are things that I would not say to anyone. Is this a mother daughter thing? Do other mothers do this? Well I don’t really care what others do, I know it makes me avoid her. It doesn’t feel very good, and if I had a friend who did that I would drop them. Not so easy to do when it’s your mother.
I’ve had her over to see my new flat at various stages. Each time I have received a barrage of criticism about the standard of the work done, a whole list and even being told that the builder is taking me for a ride.
a few days later….
She has forgotten the incident and will probably be a bit more careful about what she says now. I see that I have to keep a little healthy distance from her, as when she relaxes around me the criticism comes out.
I’d love to be a person who doesn’t need to protect themselves, invincible, unmoved and stoic. But first things first. I’m learning to look after myself just now. I choose to be around those who are respectful and loving of themselves and others.
How to be around those adults who were harsh with us as children? I’ve never managed to fully feel safe or at ease in her company. There are many triggers just waiting to pounce up from within.