Another clear out of associations that no longer work. I was holding on for the sake of a shared history, moments of closeness, love and and memories. A rationalisation that they had a harder childhood than me, I made allowances for their behaviour. This weekend was a turning point. Chaos entered the day with one of these old friends. I bent myself to allow, but it didn’t feel good not taking a stand at the time. I ended up exhausted. And another, who is continually trying to get rid of me through their fear of being close. I’m going to let him get rid of me now. It doesn’t feel right being friends with someone who wants to get rid of me. Even though it is his fear that control that behaviour, and consciously I know he values me very much. I don’t enjoy the rejection when his fears win. Which is often. It’s sad, we are so close in a way.
Part of the reason I have held on is my own fear of loneliness. So many friends have had to go, who were regular mainstays of my social life in the last few years. And who I loved and still do, but they brought chaos and unhappiness. And others have died or moved away.
Zeta-moved to NZ Fiona-died Gonzo-died Tamba-died Mark-let go of Una – let go of
Lesley and Dave – let go of Barry-let go of Ketron – let go of Jamie – let go of
Jane – let go ofKom and tild – let go of And now A and M – It’s time to let go of.
I feel sad about all of this. These are people who meant a great deal to me, comrades I felt close to and who I cared a lot about.
I have changed. I value myself more now, and I care about myself now. I am learning to look after myself, to include myself in the compassion feel for us all. I want to be around others on this journey. Not living out the self abusive results of an abusive childhood over and over. I want to break free from that.
One of the symptoms of self rejection is putting the needs of others before yourself. No matter what the cost. I used to think it showed me what a selfless person I am, virtuous. And I have tried to be selfless and generous.
But it was actually easy for me to sacrifice my needs for those of others. I didn’t feel I was worth looking after, or my needs counted for anything. I liked looking after wounded people too. It made me feel useful, gave me a purpose, I was a rescuer. Or attempted to be. I’m not sure that ever really works as an ongoing dynamic in a friendship.
Also I felt much less threatened by damaged loser stoner drop out types. They weren’t so happy or successful that it made me reflect on my unhappiness or self sabotaging ways with money.
That’s a bit harsh though. I also like people who haven’t bought fully into the materialistic reality most live in, measuring worth by financial net worth. I thought that was a superior way of being. Being alternative to the mainstream. Artists, poets, musicians….Thinking for ourselves, out of the box. Getting by on less.
Now I see that financial worth often does mirror inner self worth. I see that I’m better off financially since I learned to like myself more and be kinder and more compassionate to myself.
I am also one of those damaged people that I have let go of, but I’m seeing that I am bigger than my damage. I know that who I associate with regularly has a strong effect on me, and I choose to be around those who look after themselves more.
And now. I have a new dog. I have joined groups and I’m meeting new people. I’m in a transition zone. Daily walks across the fields up the river remind me what freedom feels like. At my happiest when I’ve lost all ideas about ‘me’ and my story, no thoughts. Just fresh air, and the beauty of nature.