A feeling of anxiety crept in this morning. I had a successful meeting with a client last night, and now have to price the project. This is of course positive. But I’m not feeling it. The list of tasks I must do lengthens and yet I feel massive resistance. Paralysed even. I don’t know why. I just know I don’t want to do any of it, and yet I must. I put the tasks off and feel more stress about that. I just want to lie down and rest. I feel exhausted.
I do have so much freedom for space and rest and walks in the park and time to read each day, but the weight of having a business, and particularly being on my own with it, weighs heavily at times. Periodically I have these slumps, especially if I’ve made a mistake that has caused financial difficulty. Not only is there the stress of having to find funds from scant supplies, there is the self condemnation, and the fear that perhaps I can’t afford to be doing my new flat up after all. I know this is anxiety talking though, and that in time things will improve again, and the business will recover.
I have no sense of financial security, which makes sense since I have always had ambiguous feelings about seeking that. I’ve observed people around me sacrificing themselves for it, living a life they wouldn’t be living, one they don’t even desire or enjoy much. And yet my new experiment with being a kind friend to myself would see a little more security and stability financially as a gesture of self compassion.
I wish I could cheer myself up here, but I know I must turn towards these feelings and allow and embrace them, not resist or wish to replace them with other feelings. It is as it is.