A feeling of anxiety crept in this morning. I had a successful meeting with a client last night, and now have to price the project. This is of course positive. But I’m not feeling it. The list of tasks I must do lengthens and yet I feel massive resistance. Paralysed even. I don’t know why. I just know I don’t want to do any of it, and yet I must. I put the tasks off and feel more stress about that. I just want to lie down and rest. I feel exhausted.
I do have so much freedom for space and rest and walks in the park and time to read each day, but the weight of having a business, and particularly being on my own with it, weighs heavily at times. Periodically I have these slumps, especially if I’ve made a mistake that has caused financial difficulty. Not only is there the stress of having to find funds from scant supplies, there is the self condemnation, and the fear that perhaps I can’t afford to be doing my new flat up after all. I know this is anxiety talking though, and that in time things will improve again, and the business will recover.
I have no sense of financial security, which makes sense since I have always had ambiguous feelings about seeking that. I’ve observed people around me sacrificing themselves for it, living a life they wouldn’t be living, one they don’t even desire or enjoy much. And yet my new experiment with being a kind friend to myself would see a little more security and stability financially as a gesture of self compassion.
I wish I could cheer myself up here, but I know I must turn towards these feelings and allow and embrace them, not resist or wish to replace them with other feelings. It is as it is.
Learning to Rest with it All 