On Success

Thought I’d write a list, a sort of check in to the positive things that are happening.

• I am experiencing success financially relative to where I was a few years ago. My bank account is healthier than it has ever been before
• I’ve been accepted to a course in psychotherapy starting soon. I’ve been wanting to do that for some years.
• I’ve been gradually making new friends and acquaintances by getting out there and joining groups of topics I’m interested in.
• I have bought a flat I am doing up with the help of a builder.

It’s all good! And I’m watching with curiosity my ebbing and flowing feelings around life going well.

It’s not as straightforward as ‘life going well=happy’.

Especially when happy is a mysterious state to me. I’m not sure I understand it, and suspect I may put blocks up towards letting it in. Evidence for this are feelings of uncertainty and anxiety around the success I’m feeling. My increasing sense of loneliness as my struggles subside and I no longer seek the company of fellow chronic struggle addictees!

I have huge wide spaces of time each day to do what I like with. Such freedom. And I feel tremendous gratitude towards myself for getting me here, and everyone I’ve known who played a part in helping me find a niche in society. Including those friends I no longer spend time with, I’ve enjoyed and benefitted from such camaraderie along the way.

So now what is happening. It’s very very hot. Anxiety is present, at a fairly low level. That is quite normal for me, being on a constant state of alert for what could go wrong, ready to respond to problems from the guys or the clients. I manage it by knowing and experiencing ‘me’ as bigger than the anxiety, and this allows the fear to be there but not overwhelm me. A self regulation technique I learned through Mindfulness, and how observing that feelings and thoughts come and go. Something always remains stable and constant no matter what I am experiencing, and that was a valuable discovery. Even if I do forget it at times of heightened agitation or fear.

I am learning to feel safe gradually. And it may sound like a contradiction but success stimulates feelings of being in danger. It’s still less familiar to me than struggle and actually being in danger.

That is the legacy of a childhood that felt dangerous to me. I have felt safer with danger than I do with safety. How perverse.

So now relative safety has arrived, stability. I no longer have relationships bringing agony into my daily life, and no longer live on the edge of bankruptcy. I no longer put the well-being of everyone else before my own. I include myself in my plans for increasing wellbeing! I can now help and support others who devote their lives to relieving the suffering of others with some of the spare money.

And I apply a soothing psychological ointment towards myself. I hug myself metaphorically. I include myself in the compassion I feel towards everyone.

I don’t have to sabotage my stability any more. I can watch with curiosity and enquiry the sabotaging impulses as they come. The way I bit my nails right down till they hurt the other day.

I see that stability has merit and value. Yes it’s very boring to me much of the time, there’s no stimulating drama or major problems for my brain to be entertained by. But I’m taking that as part of the resistance that appears to it. I will see in time that I can play within this stability. And I’m using it to further improve my life conditions.

And leave something for Tobie materially. I don’t mention him much. I feel it’s almost none of my business to comment on a 24 year old son. A mother has to let go for the son to be free. I’m so lucky. He is a darling, and I’m so very proud of him and what he has achieved. Kind of a weird phrase that, proud of, I’m very pleased and I feel great admiration is what I mean by it. He pulled himself up and forged a way ahead, and is living an exciting life of travel while earning money, and enjoying a varied social life. He is wise too. I love him a lot. Here he is a couple of years ago.