Happy Birthday Me!


Yes it is today. And its a sunny morning, the birds are singing and its spring. So much to be grateful for as I ease myself gently into allowing more joy and love in.

What am I feeling? Happy and scared too. Fear seems to accompany joy for me at the moment, and success too. Pushing past familiar blocks to new territory. I feel fear and that is alright. Compassion and understanding.

I do feel open to a new story, one less weighted on the struggle, conflict and strife side of life. More joy naturally, fun with new friends, mutual commitment with my partner and relaxed with my increasing success.

I feel anxiety right now. In my throat. My mind wants to jump all over it with reasoning, looking for problems as it likes to do. I just want to send myself compassion and ask it with a spirit of curiosity what it is telling me. Maybe there isn’t a problem. It may just be that here I am starting to do well again and get above of debt and struggle into the potential to be well off. Wealthy even. I am curious about what that would be like. I imagine it will be interesting. I have been struggling financially for such a long time, it has become my normal. And normal is a sort of comfort zone, even if it is uncomfortable.

So what am I doing to usher in this new era? I am gathering a support system around me.

  • Going to Clare’s self compassion and authentic connections group.
  • Going to the monthly woman’s meeting, women I was on a course with
  • Just completed a 6 week goal course with Aga and 2 other women
  • Attending the Women in Business monthly meeting
  • Having a once a month Skype session with Cate the life/business coach
  • Having a once a month session with a transactional therapist

I am making new friends and contacts through these activities and I feel less alone. I have let go of many friendships the last few years and a void was left which is now being filled with healthy positive new people.

So what else can I do to expand on this good feeling of connecting deeply with positive people?

  • participate in the online groups in between meetings, nurturing others and myself and developing friendships
  • suggest a meeting with one or two of them outside of the groups
  • look for further meet ups
  • meet a nice man on the dating site!
  • maybe consider letting go of further old negative friends to make space, instead of clinging on as I do, to friendships that don’t really work for me now.

I experience difficulty letting go of people even if the friendship is not working, is one sided, or characterised by a repeating negative story. I notice that this conflict has been a theme in my life. Falling in love with unsuitable characters then being in a perpetual state of conflict about it. I have a couple just now that don’t quite work. Both highly damaged people with immense struggles against addiction and depression. And it is like listening to a stuck record. One expresses anger and hopelessness a lot, and complains all the time. Its the same with watching negative shows in TV. I just watched the first episodes go the 2nd Handmaidens Tale with lots of gratuitous violence and torture. This is maybe a sort of self sabotage I wonder.

So today what is happening?

  • going to see a potential new client
  • getting my nails done
  • visiting the men at the 4 jobs underway
  • sending the new price to next weeks new client
  • birthday dinner tonight
  • listening to a motivating audiobook in the car
  • driving the car slowly, one more chance till I lose my license
  • maybe start a new garden design

Filling my days with people who inspire, bursts of hard work that take me in the abundance direction I want to go, being patient and as loving as possible with myself and everyone I meet, engaging in self care healthy habits, listening  to uplifting music and audiobooks.

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