The Choice

Long lie on a holiday Monday, what a joy. A long sunny day in a beloved part of the country with a friend yesterday, and lunch outdoors. Also a joy. A refreshing rest from business concerns.

Then I get up, and notice as I do that somewhere in my mind I’m working out what to focus on. A problem pops in to my head, and another, then an appreciative thought about the quality of life Im experiencing right now. The phone goes, I feel a twinge of anxiety. Who dares to burst into my private day off. I listen to the message, it is.

Anxiety twinge again, someone else wanting me to do something. I allow the anxiety, acknowledge the feeling of it. I see I don’t have to let it weave some story and build on itself with associated thoughts. Back to appreciation. Gratitude. Just noticing that I’m experiencing happiness and joy recently. And noticing that I’m afraid too even in that joy. It’s taking me into the immediacy of experience, being in it, allowing it. Unmasked.

I am worthy I say to myself. I feel safe. I give myself the gift of kindness and patience as I enter this new world. I am able to navigate change with ease, even with the doubts present about that. Even while allowing this little scared part of me to feel afraid. It is not the whole story though, and I see how I am so large and expansive that there’s room for allowing every feeling in here. When I remember the love that is my true nature I feel big enough to contain all, allow all, admit all and accept. And it’s okay even if some feelings are uncomfortable. It doesn’t last. Especially when I acknowledge the feelings kindly and give them a little space to arise within. They pass on.

So I’m getting used to this new happiness and success I’m experiencing, and the fear that arises with it. I don’t have to sabotage the positive developments. I can notice and welcome them as they arrive, and let them go too. No need for aversion and no need to try to cling on.

“Learning to contact and provide safe passage for those parts that are terrified of healing is an act of profound kindness and mercy. In ways that are paradoxical and bewildering to the mind seeking control and the maintenance of the status quo, this radical act of befriending all parts of ourselves is what makes true healing possible.

Our avoidant strategies—those historically configured ways of organizing our experience and staying out of too much vulnerability and the nakedness of unguarded immediacy—arose to serve a very specific function, to protect us from overwhelming anxiety that threatened the survival of a ripening little brain and nervous system. ” Matt Licata

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