I was having a big spike in anxiety last night and this morning which started with an email from a client last night. Thought we had finally finished a project and the client informed me it needs more work before they will pay. Need that final payment to pa6 bills. Waiting for payment from another client who hasn’t got back to me. I’m having to take money out of my deposit money to pay legal stuff off of £30k. I’m hoping to buy this flat I’ve found that the idea of having to let that go is really disappointing.
So what is happening here is that the limbic system has been activated, brain thinks my survival is threatened with these events and my thoughts about not having a house to buy add to that. And it freaks out with fear, then annoyance and my inner balance is disturbed. Added to that I feel disheartened, discouraged that this is ever going to work. The mind makes a meal of a set back, and doom and gloom thinking enters to disturb the emotions further.
This is where resilience really helps. And I’m aware mine has been much lower this year, it’s seems it’s been one disaster after the next in work, and my dog dying set the stage for a reduced bounce back and mood buoyancy and a general feeling of sadness and malaise.
So I’ve been slowly building up my resilience again. New healthy habits, new friends and activities and being kind to myself. It’s all helping, but it’s not instant. Gradual turning around of overall mood. And at times here I am in the silence of my space alone wondering if this is all there is to life. Struggle to earn a living, to please clients, pay suppliers, keep on top of paperwork and legalities, pay to fix broken vehicles, keep the men happy and remembering to thank them. When I’m feeling just so discouraged.
There’s a psychodynamic psychotherapy 2 year course starting this year which I’m going to apply for. I want to set myself up for a new type of life in my later years. And I’d like to put to use all this self development and healing I’ve been doing to help others.
The rest of my packages just arrived for my homeless boxes and that has cheered me up. I want to do more to help others. So they each contain a pair of thermal gloves and socks, healthy bars, plasters, hand cream, about £10, hand-warmers, rain poncho, lip salve and a “you matter and you are loved” note. Still a deodorant to add to each when they arrive.
Mood better already, no better way to cheer myself up by being of help to someone else.