This is just me splurging out here some uncoordinated thoughts. Trying to work out what it is I want. My coach is always going on about goals. What do I want, where do I want to head to? And I don’t know! I have not really allowed myself to dream too much about an ideal life. I have so much already. Is it okay to want more? To want a beautiful house in the country?
I’ve got an uneasy relationship with having goals though I know we are basically goal driven creatures. We have goals to keep safe, stay well fed, look after our kids etc etc. I have somehow got stuck with a belief that it is way better, more virtuous more sane to be thankful for what I have and to give thanks for everything than to want more. I’m afraid of being a person that wants more and more and more. I already live in such incredible abundance, most of us do in the West. More abundance than Cleopatra ever imagined. But maybe I can trust myself now to have goals of improving my life situation without getting greedy.
I’m doing well with my goals so far this year. The general goal is to love myself more fully.
- Get out more in the evenings and meet new people – doing that with all these groups, courses, and therapist and coach.
- Lose weight – I have lost 8 pounds since the start of January.
- Find a loving sane partner – been going on dates after joining a couple of dating sites
- Drink less – only had 3 nights of drinking since the start of the year and feel so much better for it. Don’t even think about it at all,
What isn’t working for me ? Where am I falling short in looking after myself (and therefore the world around me)
- Struggling to pay bills and find money to pay what needs paid as a result of not charging enough for my gardens or unexpected variables turning up which use up the profit.
That is the biggest stress source just now. And I know partly this is because I’ve agreed to this legal settlement of £10k a month this month next and the following month. I’d be doing okay without that. But it’s a mistake I made and I have to take it on the chin. It’s a financial blow. So I need to compromise on where I move to.
So what would I really love to be able to do? I’d love to be able to buy a house I really really like a lot. A beautiful place in the country perhaps. Or a beautiful detached or semi detached in the city.
But at the moment I’m going to buy a cheap apartment. I’m seeing one soon and if I like it, I can rent out 2 rooms and that will pay my entire mortgage. That will allow me to save up so much and quickly to move to the place of my dreams that has a garden. I’d so love my own garden, I’ve never had a garden. That’s funny for a garden designer isn’t it.
So even if I rent out one room it means I’m paying less than I am here. Or it’s cheap enough not to rent out rooms too. Just thinking out loud. I could get a big mortgage and a bigger apartment but that would really burden me with a lot of money to pay out. And I’m not feeling very flush at the momentous to this big debt to pay over the next few months. So small steps towards a really nice house.
My ex husband just called and we talked about rekindling a friendship. Feeling ambiguous about that. Part of me would like it and part of me doesn’t trust him. He was so horrible to me at times, so treasonous with my trust. He assures me he has changed. Well maybe we go on a probation period. Strange days. I’ve been thinking of him quite a bit and wishing we were still friends and then not wanting that. He talks so much and big words and I can’t tell how sincere he is.
Here I am sitting feeling Wonder about the future and where I am going. If I don’t create one, one will just happen to me. I’m afraid of having regrets when I’m really old, too old to do anything about my situation. I don’t want to look back wishing I’d done things in my 50s that I didn’t do and could have. Fear of missing out!
So today, what am I doing? I’m finishing a design and then going to see a client at 3pm with a design I’ve done that she likes with a view to taking that forward. Then it’s the Authentic Connections group tonight. I really love having things to look forward to like that. Raises my mood for the day.
Last night it was the Buddhist themed Happiness course, quite enjoyable and lovely people to get to know. Bye for now.