Yes I have got that hat on today as lots of business related activities happening. A potential new client meeting, visits to my two sites under construction to make sure it’s all going smoothly and hopefully fit in some designing, a walk around the current project with one of the clients and I have got a queue of 3 gardens waiting. I could be doing one right now but somehow my motivation isn’t present. I have learned to go with that, trust that when it is time is it is time.
I started the day waking up in delicious comfort and wellbeing in bed and immediately felt so very grateful for such comfort and wellbeing. Thank you I say, thank you. Appreciation for this life, this new day. My days are bumpy mood wise. I feel hopeful then I feel worried then I feel optimistic and enthused, then irritated, then anxious, then grateful. I don’t allow much actual happiness in. Much laughter and lightness. It all feels quite heavy, the responsibility for all these staff, managing client expectations, wanting to be successful but so many financial set backs in my way.
My litigation may be solved in the sense it didn’t go to court but I have to find £30k to pay this client at £10k a month starting 23rd of this month. I don’t even earn that, but somehow I know I will come though it, even if somewhat depleted resource wise. Somewhat! Very. I have no idea how to pay it. It will just have to come out of the cash flow. And I have £13k to pay in a few days to HMRC. I do have £30k in my savings account but that is my deposit for buying a flat. Maybe I will have to use some of it.
Here I am sitting on the sofa, answering emails, ordering materials issuing instructions, arranging where men should be this week to keep the whole thing rolling. I would like to connect more with the happiness and joy I know I’d in here. It’s just covered over by the concern generated by worry. It’s always there though, I sense it below the surface. But when worry is stimulated by thoughts of difficulty and threat thoughts, the limbic system goes into flight and fear and fight mode. I live there much of the time these days.
There is much to be joyful about and I have to remind myself often that I’m healthy, I can afford to buy good quality food, have access to any music I like, live in a safe area, have a great family and friends, if only I could fully connect with how good I have it. It scares me it may just be on hindsight if I don’t grab this moment which is rather a great moment! Everything is going well despite the challenges. Caught in a conflict between appreciation of the ways things are and wanting them to be even better.
I could do with a lovely man to be with me though the rest of my life. I’m in the process of manifesting a partner to share life with on various dating sites. I want to give, and I want to learn to receive better than before too. I have amassed a support system around me now. I’ve got so many groups I go to each week, a self love group, a Happiness course, a women’s business club, and I have a therapist and a coach. It’s all helped hugely.
But what makes my heart really sing? Designing beautiful spaces, walking in nature and listening to my beloved music. Good times with friends too, knowing I’m moving forward in life, that I’m improving my lot, being more and more good and kind to myself. Dancing. Being free to explore.
I feel trapped too by the many business commitments I’ve made and the situation I’m embroiled in. While I’m so delighted to have a niche in society providing a service people, want, I haven’t been on a holiday last any more than 4 days for well over 10 years. I always thought I can’t but maybe that is not true. And I could reconsider that.
More time for fun. And a dog, yes I am so looking forward to getting another hairy four legged pal. I’m looking every day for one. How can I bring more fun into my life. I miss Kalinka still. Underestimated how the loss of a dog can floor you emotionally.
It looks like I may have found a really well priced quite large flat to buy and near the park too. It has 3 rooms so I could rent or Airbnb 2 of them out. I love that idea, more people in my living space. And a dog. A lovely vibrant colourful happy space. And I like the thought of having a secure place of my own. Want to see it? Nothing special but big bay windows and lots of potential