for something I want. And now my hopes are seemingly dashed for now. I say dare because I feel scared about it so its daring to entertain what I want. This is because some of its material things and Ive always believed its somehow wrong to want anything I don’t already have. The belief says that I am to be grateful for what I have and not ask for what isn’t there. I have so much already. I am plagued by unworthiness. I see people with nice houses, even just little ones and I doubt if I deserve it.
But I would dearly love a beautiful house of my own. A place that is a real stable home. With my own garden where I can plant flowers and watch them grow. A pond and enjoy watching wildlife colonise it. A big kitchen living area where I can invite people for dinner. That I can decorate as I would like it. A place that I actually own. I feel so guilty writing this as ownership on another level seems preposterous to me. But here I am in a flat I love but I have to move out because the owner has some plans for it. Out of my control. I have to move again. If I had my own place Id be in control. No landlord.
I had a deposit saved but now I have had to put half the money into the business to keep us going through this bad weather and the other half possibly will go to that client threatening me legally. So my dream of owning my own house will perhaps have to be put off and I move again into a rented place. This does not excite me at all. More wasted money and I can only get 17 at the moment. If Im able to save this year it will then be a 16 year mortgage. Anyways…
Today I have been pricing a decent job we hopefully start in a week. We are struggling though to finish some gardens we had to leave due to the bad weather and the clients are angry and that is stressful. I have huge tax bills to pay at the end of the month too. VAT PAYE and personal tax, amounting to £25k, where is that going to come from?!
Running a business is hard at times. You are responsible for everything.
Learning to Rest with it All 