I have two life coaches at the moment, a therapist and an occasional mindfulness coach.
What has happened over the last week is that they have all helped me get to the bones of what I want to change. Then they made me make a list of actions and now I find I’ve carried out most those actions. Actions vital for the smooth running of the business and methods in place to body swerve some of the immense stress I have been experiencing. Things like terms and conditions, a proper systematic pricing system, construction details for all projects. I know, these sound like they are things that should have been in place already but when in spinning multiple plates in the air, you focus on what you must do before what you want to or is sensible to.
I feel empowered by this, and also stressed about money right now. Had to send my teams home on Monday, minus 8 degrees, can’t have them out in that and not much can be done. And I need them out working to get Fridays payments from the clients in the bank to pay suppliers. But that won’t happen till it defreezes so I’ve transferred nearly half my savings into the business account just to keep it going. This puts me in an even more precarious situation with the litigation and could rule out buying an apartment.
“First world problem Mum” I hear my son say. I have clients nagging me to finish jobs but we cant till the weather picks up. And I have big tax bills due at the end of the month and also this litigation situation where a previous client is demanding £45k I don’t have and an ongoing to and fro with lawyers. This does have the potential to close my business. So thats a bit of a fear trigger Im working hard to keep under control. We now need to communicate with the client that I don’t have the money so that may lead to a reduced expectation on her part.
Dear limbic system, please try to just chill out. I will help you with reassuring words, I will swim to keep the body calm, walk in nature to soothe you, get good long sleeps, eat healthy food and remember to breathe. Try and remember the space around the thoughts and not just the contents of the space.
I have had a further session last night since I wrote above with the matronly life coach. She homed into my awkwardness about money, discussing it with clients, and unworthiness issues still sitting there due to early childhood messages still running in the background. She asked me questions that allowed me to hear my beliefs out loud. Helpful and useful. Encouraging me to continue with more boldness. She asked me how I would feel with plenty of money coming in. Enough to pay all the bills and buy a nice house for myself. The emotional response inside was ‘great!’ and I felt energised by that thought. I think she is trying to get me to give myself permission to allow success in and to stop sabotaging it.
I find myself looking at lovely little houses imaging how one day I could have a place I can call my own and I would really like that. Ive been living in other people’s houses all my life. Part of me never really understood the idea of ownership. But now I understand. Even if security is ultimately an illusion, its one that is good for the feeling of stability. Stability is something I value more now.
What has made the big difference over the last couple of weeks is asking for help and receiving it. That feeling of being supported. Of not being alone with all the issues whirling around causing anxiety. Being able to talk it out, lay it out and break each bit down into manageable chunks. A friend called me last night to see how I am and another yesterday, and even my old pal J I chatted with. ENFPs need to talk!