Panicky Start


Oh dear diary, my saviour. Got a lawyer letter from the client who I’m in litigation with not accepting my offer and wanting £45k. For a garden that was only priced at £25k. It’s nuts. But as she is very rich and I am not she has a good chance of winning in court with her better lawyer. I might have to concede. So anxiety leaped in, limbic fight flight system fully freaking out and stress response experienced intensely, reasoning ability of the frontal cortex squashed.

Then it returned as I breathed and reasoned that it’s not the end of the world. Just means I will have a smaller deposit for a flat. No big deal. I get a small flat locally and build up some reserves over the next year. It’s just money. I take it too seriously at times and I don’t take it as seriously as I could and this is one of the consequence I suppose, taking undue risks not being sensible. That is changing now though. Though the admonitions from Light on the Path about ambitions are with me strongly still.

Thing is to the more rational types, the ‘st’ s as opposed to the ‘nf’s they don’t take all this conflict to heart the way we more intensely feeling creatures do. I sometimes wish I could switch that feeling response off, well I suppose I occasionally do take a rest if I get a hold of some Valium. But that is not often and not the healthy response.

Happy about a few things too though, and don’t feel so swamped. Taking action to apply some (apparent) control has made me feel better. I spoke to a new life coach yesterday, and she sounds very systematic and no nonsense. She offers 6 free sessions and is also an eft practitioner. Kind of matronly even lol. Maybe what I need in these t8mes of feeling a bit overwhelmed at times. I’m just grateful that a mystic space head like me has some Taurean practicality too for balance and being in construction helps that practical grounding a lot. She has sent me an exercise of prioritisation of goals to be completed before tonight’s session.

I called up one of the lonely recently bereaved older ladies from the dinner the other night to see how she is and she was so grateful for a bit of company. Had a long chat listening to her situation and feelings, as they taught me on the counselling course. She appreciated it and I got to feel useful. Win win. And I like her a lot too and it’s interesting to hear what it’s like being a fully educative marbles in tact person dealing with being the age of 86.

And in the afternoon a friend called me and we went for a few miles through woodlands downs the river with gushing waterfalls in the pouring rain and it was joyful, really such deep bliss returned. Good to be reminded that is always present even if it is buried under self concern much of the time these days.

I texted the professor I’ve had a couple of dates with to see if he’d like to go out again and …. no reply. I watched my thoughts of self doubt jump in, and wonder if I said something a bit crazy on the last date after a couple of glasses of wine that might have put him off (he is a bit of a sensible type and I am so open minded I could be considered a total nutter by those types….like I’ve got no problem with the idea that fairies or some sort of elementals exist under the manifest world….and quantum physics is suggesting it’s all hugely connected and definitely more mysterious than ever imagined) but that sort of conversation absolutely must be censored in most company. If that’s even possible for me….

But anyway, I got a lovely email to say that he would really like to see me again, so that was pleasant to hear. The two of us have a lot to talk about albeit within certain confines and I’m though I’m not feeling much physical chemistry I think these things can grow and aren’t always the best way to decide anyway. Can’t imagine at this stage fucking for 6 hours till 5am though! But I’ve been watching a lot of period dramas and like the idea that this kind of love can develop in time. I’m becoming more respectful of stability and rules in social situations.

Got a horse trainer to meet next week too, so other options are open. He lives a bit too far away for spontaneous meetings….so not wondering even if I should go, I need to live in the flow and listen to the Force. When my goddam head gets out the way, I can hear how to move with the Tao.and things seem to work when I do.

I do want to have a partner now, it’s, it’s been almost 5 years…..it took a long time to get over M, our sexual chemistry was so addictive way long after he with his crazy jealousies became toxic to me….the near mystic sex kept me coming back. And I’ve got a bad memory for bad experiences too. It now needs to be a best friend, total trust and openness, someone to grow old with. Mutual nurturing and loving. Not something I’ve ever had. I always go for intensity over stability, bit no more. I want both now. I need to learn how to receive love for this to work, that will take some getting used to. So not someone wildly passionate and unstable and self destructive this time. Someone who wants to look after themselves, knows themselves and values harmony. And I need to stop this childish seeing the best in people and completely ignoring reality and trying to rescue people. There was always warning signs.

I’m am scared of trusting now…..but I need to dump those last experiences and go into these new situations with more discernment definitely yes, but with the innocence of a child too. Here and now. Fresh start. I have a feeling the next one I will spend the rest of my life with. One of my unusual criteria’s is that I’d like someone more devoted to the truth than to me. That is the only way to ensure ongoing integrity.

Shit sorry, being a bit verbose here. But I feel myself reassembling as I take back control. I’ve got a busy diary of a activity over the next weeks of all sorts, today it’s psychotherapy and then a session with Maureen the new life coach. Tomorrow an evening love yourself workshop, and Friday the other life coach Gordon. He is a really loving style of coach, that might be interesting.

And business wise. I’m thinking of scaling down a bit. Less of these huge projects for obnoxious millionaires and more small artistic projects. Might even start a maintenance service with the spare van for the guys that are getting on a bit for the hard work. I have to accept my limitations and it’s too stressful. I’m even considering starting a part time dog walking business with the extra van, and will investigate what’s involved with that today and to see how I can do it better than the others around. I’m such an egotist, everything I do business wise has to be better than the other companies around. If your going to do something you might as well be the best at it. Hmmm maybe I need to look at this, sounds a bit perfectionist.

And starting losing several of those pounds put on over the Xmas gorging already, that was encouraging to see this morning. Got about 6 more to lose, and intend to have that sorted by the end of the month. So more saying no to my dear endlessly inviting feasting drinking neighbour pals. I do not understand why they are not fat with that lifestyle. Must have great metabolisms. Anyway, I’m having a dry January and then they go away for a month, so a new healthy start to the year it looks like. Going for a gym session and for a swim today, hopefully it won’t be heaving with screaming kids again. Normally I get this pool to myself and this is a near mystical experience, I get mesmerised into unified states. That floats my boat, any kind of unified state. It is the reality underlying the appearance of separation. There is no me when that occurs, I am that water, or that tree in the woods or that friends I’m communing with deeply. Ah to straddle both worlds successfully takes some work…..stability is valuable. Here’s a waterfall I stared at and got lost in for ages yesterday.

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