So, I have taken some action already and decided on making a few changes. I know I’m maybe repeating some things here I’ve mentioned already, apologies for that but I’m consolidating my thoughts.
- Get out more and meet new people so I went on the Meet Up site and joined a few new groups. My diary is now looking pretty full for the next week or so. A group nature walkers, coaching class, A local women in business meet up support club, a monthly goals group
- I have a life coach meeting on Friday, and also I searched gumtree for free life coaches looking to build up their hours to qualify. Got one calling me today. And I have a therapist appointment tomorrow.
- Last big meal last night. My mums for New Year’s Day, this feasting has to stop or be cut right down. I found myself saying yes to those big dinners with lots of wine, out of loneliness but am now looking to be busy in the evenings with less consuming orientated activities.
- In my second day of my dry January tradition, I have done this for the last few years and always enjoy the self esteem from not being so indulgent and dependent on it for entertainment. And my lovely but boozey neighbours are going on holiday on the 26th for a month so I can easily extend that.
- Choosing more encouraging friends. My long but now gone intense and close friendship with my old pal M who I care for dearly but who is suicidal most of the time was taking its toll. His latest temper outburst directed at me gave me the impetus to drop our daily walks. I miss those and him a lot but I think it’s a case of giving up the proximate for the ultimate goals. Short term loneliness relief for long term positive well being. I see that the start of my sinking mood happened when I reconnected with him a few months back. I think I overestimate my resilience at times see myself as some kind of rescuing hero, it doesn’t work and it’s presumptuous. Egotistical. I was his only friend and felt obliged to somehow show him he can maintain a friendship, hmm idealist. Borderline Personality Disorder and relationships don’t go, unless you’re a martyr rescuer type which I’m trying to stop doing.
- I reconnected with a lovely old internet pal who I always had a good deep connection with. Fab long long chats and easy openness and intimacy, what a joy it is to get someone and to be understood. So again I see that some good things need space made for them and to have the courage to let go of that which drags me down in order to allow new experiences to come in.
- I braved the holiday hoards at the club the other day and the pool and will go again today and get back into the daily routine of starting the day with a swim, will be better once it’s back to me and the old men when the schools are back.
- Continue this dating game. I’m enjoying meeting some interesting guys. We go for a walk in the park then a cup of tea in Pollok. I just adore meeting new people and it’s fun having a little mini journey into the unknown with them and finding out about them. I’m not very normal though so need quite an unusual type to hit it off with. They are out there I’m sure, s will keep on looking.
- Business I’m hardly thinking about as I know I will enjoy that once I’m enjoying life more. Delighted that K has now gone. Now have an extra van, should I start a dog walking business with that van?! Business is fine, just started a £120k job that will keep the guys going for a couple of months. And finishing another quite profitable one. So at least I’m not worrying about the tax bill for a change having been a responsible wee thing and paid most of it in advance.
- I need to stop looking at houses. I don’t have to move for many months and it’s disquieting and unsettling constantly looking for new places to live and new areas. Imaging how it might feel to be in unfamiliar spaces is not what I need right now.
- Back to listening to Tara Brach talks at night before sleep, fabulous, authentic, inspiring, relaxing, love that lady.
- I want to find ways to help others more this year. This one to one with friends with serious mental health issues has been disastrous. I can’t handle them, I’m too emotional and not detached enough from suffering and have to move away and then they end up hating me. So maybe something more simple within my skill set, like visiting old people or helping at food banks or something. Lol. I do li’e to feel useful, it gives me meaning. And takes the emphasis off my me me me land.
- Get a dog, I have to. The void left by Kalinka still haunts me and it needs filled. I have these delayed reactions to losses for some reason and while I initially had some tears, I was brave about it for her sake, it was the right thing to do. it wasn’t until months later that I realised the utter devastation that loss of my friend and the emotional connection had on me.
Learning to Rest with it All 