Saturday anxiety flavours


In bed of course, the weekly treat to loll around with no need to do anything or go anywhere.

My doctor called and left a message on my phone, twice actually. She wanted to know how I was getting on with the antidepressants she prescribed, which I didn’t actually take. Citalopram which are still sitting here. Think many have a bumpy few weeks when first taking them which is why she called. That’s a good doctor I’d say calling me to check, great service for the NHS. I’ve been tempted out of curiosity to try them out. But have been finding other ways to manage this anxiety that seems to be a bit of a constant companion at the moment. So before I try anti anxiety medication like citalopram….

Assembled a little army of professional helpers. I’ve got a psychotherapist at £50 an hour who is digging into deeper causes of unhappiness and is quite shocked by my childhood experience, the abuse and unhappiness. The life coaching guy…. who calls himself the happiness guy, quite a high bar he has set for himself, but let’s give it 4 sessions and see how it goes. He’s young through. But has been through his own shit so might know his stuff. Follows the Tony Robbins model. He is also £50 an hour.

Then there’s the private doc who gave me diazepam, which I’ve almost run out of and hoping she will give me a repeat prescription. It’s been useful for having a little break from the grip of anxiety here and there. Then there’s the Mindfulness teacher Skype sessions. I like them a lot, but they are expensive at £70 an hour. So I’d have more but can’t justify that money.

So finding yourself in crisis isn’t cheap if you want to take action out with the free NHS options. There’s a self referral mental health service I might try too out of interest. It’s also free. The advantage of paying for these services is that you are kind of interviewing the chosen helpers till you get the right one. It makes me feel compassion for poorer people, whose choices are so much more limited in this area of getting professional help.

It helps me taking action on my anxiety, and not feeling I’m a helpless victim of it. I like action.

So many things have been going wrong recently, well this whole year actually. Work especially, but friends leaving, son on other side of the world, not close to sister, or best friend….who has become quite an angry ranting type.

I am feeling discouraged by this. I almost think I need a professional encourager! Funnily enough that is something I’m great at doing for others.

I went to visit my friend who is paralysed yesterday. Somehow I think seeing him should make me so much more grateful with my life. He can do next to nothing for himself physically.

He asked me what I was looking forward to in life. Nothing came to mind at all. Nothing ahead is exciting me or enticing me on. It all feels like one big boring hard slog. I could do almost anything I want but can’t think of anything I want to do.

However I have a second date tonight with a lovely chap, the practising catholic! Which puts a smile on my face for some reason. You don’t meet too many practising intelligent religious people these days. See how that goes….

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