Hello Little Fear…

Come on in and let’s have tea…I will kindly listen to your concerns. For a short while only though. You are communicating to me that I’m in danger. I hear that. Thank you, goodbye. Can I learn to say that friendly goodbye before my whole limbic system is in hyper fight or flight mode?

Really would like to resist letting these fears staying for a whole 3 course meal. Too often it’s a 5 course meal, and I in shreds of anxiety and stress after it. Limbic system running the show, frontal cortex hardly being heard.

Last night was a nightmare and my stress resilience fell apart. Downstairs had a loud party for over 6 hours. I was really uptight and was not able to enjoy the peace of the evening at all. Had to listen to loud music myself all evening to drown it out.

I’m in heightened anxiety at the moment again. It’s very seductive for me to believe these fears. Right now I have a legal wrangle with a client. It has the potential to not only wipe out my savings for getting my first house I’ve been saving for, or even worse if it goes to court…I could go out of business. That is unlikely, my reason tells me, though it is possible.

And then there’s the self condemnation just to add some extra pain to the situation. Knowing I took on a risky job, knowing I have been sabotaging my success this year after earning more than my inner success thermostat is set at. I was unconsciously compelled to make reality conform to this inner thermostat, to be less successful in other words, back to struggle and strife, a trier for whom it doesn’t quite work out for…..what I’m more used to, and what I was led to believe was to be my lot in life by early conditioning.

I dared to go above that inner thermostat and for a brief moment felt the thrill of new doors opening, new possibilities. I also felt fear of rising above others, questioned if that is okay morally, questioned if I deserved it, felt more alone than ever with it. Had a belief it wouldn’t last anyway so don’t get too happy about it.

So by turning towards myself with kindness and appreciation for what I have achieved so far, I can take little steps to allow more of the good stuff in. I’ve got candles lit here in front of me, and my lumie daylight light blasting in my face. I’m going to see an art exhibition locally shortly and tonight I’m going to a talk by an author. Oh and that guy I dated last week asked me out again :-).

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