What do I want?


I need to write more today, I’ve got stuff to process. Change is on its way, and I need to steer my ship wisely.

I have not much clue about what I want, beyond being warm and healthy enough. Having easy access to nature. Some friendly people to interact and share with. A partner who is loving and trustworthy would be a bonus. And maybe another dog.

But do I have any major goals and where am I going in life? Is it even okay to ask this? When my sort of Buddhist beliefs dictate with being happy with whatever arises, is it even okay to have desires. Do I even deserve any better in life than what I have? How do I want the next 10 or 20 years to look like? Should I be thinking about providing for my old age, about leaving some inheritance for my son? What do I love doing? What will I regret not doing when I’m no longer fit and able as I am now?

It’s time for change here and I have been given notice to leave my rented flat. I have 6 months, but somehow knowing it’s coming makes me want to go already, and soon, so I can relax into a new place.

I have never bought a property before. I’m not exactly sure why, I think it has something to do with trading being free, mobile and poor with secure and well off in a boring job, at least up till my 40s. It’s only since my early 40s that I have been earning money and not been poor. I have left it quite late to buy, I’m 52 and they will give me a 17 year mortgage. They will also give me a £288k mortgage which is pretty huge. That is £1500 a month to pay. I’d need to rent out some rooms to pay it so means getting a bigger place maybe 4 bedrooms, and rent out 2.

Today I’m going to look at a flat I can see I could happily live in before even seeing it. It has 7 bedrooms and is nearby and at the top of a block. I have an idea to rent out a couple of rooms but also create a coworking space for arty people in the huge living room space. However there are already 6 others going to see it too, so it may go for way above my budget. I would like some people around me.

There’s also the legal wrangle I’m embroiled in right now. We partly did a job for a client who didn’t get planning permission. The job was stopped by the council and we left site. She got a new design done and wants us to do it. I don’t want to. I will give her money (£23k) back and she can get another person to do it. But she is asking me for £45k for causing her inconvenience, even though legally it’s up to her to get planning permission. Seems like a no brainier but it’s risky if it goes to court and I lose. It could bankrupt me. So he’s, that has partly been creating the out of the ordinary anxiety spikes. It’s already cost me £1000 in lawyer fees.

But then I could just go for it while I do have a business and a deposit. That way I would have a house they would be unlikely to take away from me as there would be next to no equity in it if I went bankrupt. Which is unlikely btw. I can always work my way out of any debt and pay it up.

Lots of considerations and choices, and ones I’m aware I am privileged to have. Gratitude for this.

Gratitude for

– my great employees

– my some who is a source of such joy and wisdom

– my mum who has been such a support and grounding influence

– my amazing friendly next door neighbours

– my warm beautiful cheap flat with gorgeous views out of every window

– my job and my business, I’m so lucky that an odd person like me has been able to have found a niche

– the beautiful huge wooded park nearby

– my comfy reliable car

– my uncle who is an important part of my support system

– the way our seasons change so dramatically bringing difference ways of seeing nature

– living in a safe beautiful part of the city

– being healthy and relatively fit

– being able to afford to eat healthily and eat out when I feel like it

– being able to afford my rent and bills

– having easy access to the country even though I live in the middle of the city.

– being able to afford to get on a plane wherever I want almost

– all the new clients that come along that keep my business going

– the candles in front of me warming the atmosphere

– all the incredible technology around me giving access to an abundance of knowledge and communication and inspiration and entertainment

– oh and this generous present from a supplier I just got!

4 Comments

  1. Love this! It’s been a sorting out time for me and this question was coming up a lot for me recently. (I can relate to the other experiences from your writing too). “What do you want?” Every day for a while this question popped into my head. I kept doing my work on energy, balancing, patiently trying to know, knowing I don’t really Know what I want and actually feeling everything was pretty pointless and hopeless at the same time.

    I had thought I knew what I wanted in the past and it lead to suffering. I shifted my focus on recognizing everything I have (as you did here too), and feel what enlivens my heart and inspires me to think of. I don’t make grand plans but rather trust things to unfold and show me in each moment what I want to move toward.

    So far this practice has lead to huge shifts in the past couple of weeks and a major change in direction and clarity on what I want now, which is to write and heal, but also to keep moving towards what opens my heart and feels good. The old is falling away and the new has broken through 🙂

    I could loose it all in my latest leap, but I must try. I have regained some faith and confidence in myself after a rough few years and feel stronger and more clear now. I’m holding the reins lightly and listening closely to my intuition and heart and trying to keep my mind clear enough to listen effectively.

    More than a specific dream or fantasy (though those pop in too), I want this enlivening, inspired, feeling and curiosity to have a place to expand. I don’t want to limit my future though by trying to put it in a box of my imagination, which is still limited by my past experiences, but I have some ideas that I’m moving towards.

    I’m getting used to the feeling of not knowing, confusion, anxiety and fear… and loving myself and letting these things pass or be converted into knowing, trust and courage. I feel open to new experiences and a future I cannot even fathom yet. I’ve questioned myself long enough to know, like you do, no matter what I can always build myself up from the ashes if I fail.

    It is well worth it to try and follow one’s own inspiation or curiosity and to find out what can really be accomplish with an open heart ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “Enlivening, inspired….a place to expand” yes! It’s noticing the feeling, is this an expansive feeling or a constricting one when I think of doing such and such ….like letting The Force decide almost 😉 I notice when I’m stressed or in anxiety then this navigation ability is interfered with. There has to be for me some degree of stillness and quiet inside to hear my feelings.

      Liked by 1 person

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