How is that bloody possible after 2 chilled days and a great sleep?! not sure why at all. Woke up and felt the constriction in my throat and chest. Tried to apply some calm breathing and grounding and allowing of it, enquiring of its purpose it’s message. I didn’t find one and still have it now sitting having tea here.
It was a great night last night at my mums with Canadian cousins, topical conversations and far too much delicious food. So it wasn’t that.
Maybe the minus 3 degree frozen ness out there and the fact that I have 2 teams who are now limited by this with what they can do. And I need the work to progress to get the Friday payments to pay the wages and suppliers. And we have this and part of next week left only to get my bank balance up to a point where I can pay them all for 2 weeks holiday and no income over the break.
Also what is stressing me is where I should be this morning. Do I visit the gym, go for a walk in the park, visit the guys….continue with this design? I can fit all that into the day, I just don’t know how best to sequence it. Or what is necessary. My exercise regime has collapsed these last few weeks of anxiety meltdown, and my weight is going up fast. This I alternately feel fine about and anxious about. I’m having a stressful time, it’s winter, a bit of comfort eating is allowed. Even though I did work so very hard and vigilantly to lose the half stone I’ve regained this year and felt so much better about myself for it. Let’s just get over Xmas and I will address it later.
How best to use this time right now after I finish here? What do I actually want to do today? Might just go for a swim first. Get the anxiety down a bit. It’s only 9.30 am, permission to pause for a while longer and have another tea.
I’m seeing the therapist this afternoon too. And I want to make the best use of the time. So do I talk of the lingering sense of unworthiness and suspicion that I’m a bad person that haunts me at times? Do I talk to her on weight reduction which she happens to specialise in…or both. Got a painful ulcer under my tongue again. An edge of discomfort for the next week.
The bad person belief. Well I know from experience of myself that this is not true. I’ve watched the choices I’ve made, experienced my values over and over in action. I’m satisfied that I can trust myself to choose win win solutions and not to exploit others for my own gain. I’m pretty kind and empathetic and generous too. That is my conscious life experience of myself. Even as a child I remember being utterly horrified at some of the bullying and even just the insensitive treatment I saw as far back as primary school. I was never one of them, my senses itI it’s to how others felt would never allow that.
However, that feeling of being fundamentally a good valuable person just for being me wasn’t instilled by my Mum. She didn’t seem to agree with that idea at all. I always seemed to irritate her and for no apparent reason. Her favourite phrase for me was “bad little bitch”. That hurt and confused as I really couldn’t see how I was bad or a bit h. But she was saying it over and over so it must be true the child’s mind deducts, after all parents are pretty much like gods up to a certain age. She didn’t ever say that I was a good person, kind, generous, thoughtful, loving, nice even. I was called artistic I suppose. But can’t remember any other compliments from her and certainly not from my dad. It was just constant criticism for not being good enough. As a counter experience I had a grandmother who did like me, who trusted me totally. So the damage was mitigated by another adult I respected. The grandmother even apologised many times for my mums bad tempered and unjust behaviour. I am pretty sure having that kept my psyche intact to the extent it is.
So anyway. The reason I’m on about this right now is that the suspicion that my goodness was just an act came up during my stress meltdown last week. Just part of a whole host of other thoughts of self doubt. I see that early wound is still there in a certain lack of confidence. Shame. Overcompensation. Needing to be liked. Not useful when dealing with rich
And that’s all okay. Compassion for me, for us all. Life is difficult in some way for everyone. We deserve to give ourselves a Lillie hug.