Recovery Day Two


How can I be kind and nurture myself today? Another long lie starts the day, cosy inside looking out at the frosty winter scene, feeling grateful I am warm. I have a shower, freshen up. I put my bedclothes in the machine, a kindness I could do a little more often than once a month! It always feels magic getting into a bed with clean freshly washed sheets. Tonight I will enjoy that. Then I light all the candles on the table with the vase of flowers in the back ground. And I revel in the beauty and warmth of that. Grateful I can afford to do this. I’ve got all the lamps on too in this room, another luxury though they are energy saving so not an eco sin. Then the Lumie daylight lamp goes on and blasts lumens into my face. My anti anxiety arsenal in place.

I’m feeling stable, calm even. It’s odd now to look back at the utter agony I was ravished by a week ago that lasted for days. Little rumblings of anxiety stirring around below the surface though, looking for a thought to get me with. I just say, ‘I see you, hear you’, to them, and breathe. Like I’m blowing out a candle kind of breath. I’m drinking fruit tea with honey and I have three pairs of socks on. Though I will be going out later. I have a date! He seems interesting. A University lecturer. Meeting in a restaurant over the other side of town, his choice. I leave in an hour. I don’t feel nervous at this moment though I expect that will rise a bit as the time gets closer. Hard not to have fears of rejection when meeting prospective new partners. I got a reaction before and it hurt a touch. But as not much is invested at the initial stage, there isn’t much to lose. It’s not exactly a judgement on your character or anything, even if it stings a little bit. That’s usually because it joins up with memories of previous rejections.

I had my big meeting yesterday with another multi millionaire client. I’m so wary now of these guys, and didn’t give an inch in terms of reduction. They don’t see that as you being nice, generous, friendly, kind or anything if you do. They see you as weak and it awakens their predator instinct and you become prey. Less of an equal. I’m getting with this now. It has taken a while. I just want us all to love each other. The world doesn’t work that way. I do love them, but have to meet everyone at their map of the world.

So I’ve been doing a little garden design while I wait to leave to go and meet this guy. It has been a long time since I’ve designed, maybe 2 months. My time is taken up with actual business type activities instead, and the design is the bit I actually love.

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