I’m aware I’m not out of the woods yet, and vulnerable to descent into gloom and anxiety. So for a start I’m having a long lie. This is a treat and a kindness I give myself at the weekends. Next I’m going for a shower, and hair wash, this sets me up feeling fresh for the day. Then I’m going over some figures in preparation for a meeting with one of those multi millionaire clients who says he can’t afford my price. Another kindness to myself will be not to drop my price, despite whatever clever tactics he uses. He seems like a nice guy this one, but they all do at the start. So any reduction in price must mean some work is removed. I can sense a rising anxiety about this meeting. My desire to please others has not been my friend this year.
One of the side effects of having low self esteem is feeling over grateful when people accept you, and in my case with clients, I get over excited and thrilled that they like my design. I’m so grateful for the acceptance it leads me to do it for less money that I should.
This takes me into financial difficulties quickly, and my stress levels rocket when I can’t pay suppliers, etc. It’s not fair on me or the men, who do a great job, but then have to deal with seeing me in distress. I’m just finishing another job just now that made a loss. That’s 4 this year. This has been hugely disheartening and disappointing. Disappointed in myself mainly. Confidence knocked.
This is why children need to be brought up with belief and confidence in themselves, that they are worthy and heard and that their feelings matter. I was brought up to believe mine definitely don’t matter. That I was more of an inconvenience than anything. Anyways…..back to the present.
What to do now with what I have in my hands? And I have a lot of good qualities in my hands that are both innate and that my parents gave me, it might be lacking in some serious ways and cause me to do some serious self parenting but they gave me enough to make a go of life, to have a chance of success in the sense of inner peace, finding meaning, joy, financial security, maybe even that elusive loving relationship.
So after getting ready I will light all the candles on the table next to a vase of flowers I bought myself. Another little act of kindness. I will sit in front of my 10,000 lumen light box, put the radio on for company. I plan to set up a proper little Mindfulness space, make it special and welcoming. And then sit, with one of Tara Brach’s guided meditations at first to help me back into it.
And later after my meeting perhaps a walk in the woods. Don’t have any friends to see today though, so that’s a bit daunting, a day ahead totally alone. I need to address this. Maybe go to the local market in the lane.
I talked to Peter Strong last night about the resistance that comes up to helping myself. It can be really strong. Some belief deep down that I don’t deserve it. He suggested to meditate on it. Okay.