Guilt and loneliness


More and more stuff bubbling up. I feel guilty for feeling this low when I have so much to be thankful for. I’m feeling ashamed about being so out of touch with all that I have in my favour. I’m privileged and looked after in a society that provides for my every need. I think about all those out there in deprived situations in this and other countries that would love to have my life. And they would probably not be as weak and indulgent as I’m being about these temporary set backs. But I’m feeling floored at the moment. I’ve not had this level of anxiety and stress for several years. One was about 3 years ago and another in 2012 when I again was close to the bone financially, but this time I’m lonely in it all. I had a dog and a son around me before. Not it’s resounding silence and aloneness. Some of the time I really like that, I’ve enjoyed the novelty of not looking after others and doing what I want when I want. And it feels okay when I sense that my life is getting better and better and stronger financially and I can build something. Now that novelty has worn off. And it’s been set back after set back this year.

I did have a great sleep last night with the help of some Valium and feel more energy today. I’ve sat for 10 minutes in front of my lumen light and contemplating going for a swim. Everything to do with work is giving me a spike of anxiety though, each call, react email from the guys, suppliers or clients. I don’t really know why. I’m fed up with the whole thing. It’s been nearly a year of hard work and little reward. All the work that goes into each project and some making a loss. The weather is largely responsible as is my lack of interest and enthusiasm. And I’m feeling so lonely. A whole year of living completely alone has been mostly very isolating and boring. I thought I’d just get used to it. And see it as a bit of a spiritual retreat. But I’m a communicator. I love being around people. In a living with sense too.

My mum has been a great listener and support. And last night I opened up to my lovely son and he was amazing. I don’t like to burden him with my problems as he is off having a fabulous adventure around the world. He was so wise. And radical suggestions of a change of career.

Later I went for. Long swim, the pool was warm and empty for part of it, a joy. I visited one team at a site, then another at another site then the guy we have left doing snagging at another site. Went shopping, then put a big pit of chicken curry in coconut milk on the stove for later. I lit some candles and made some tea. I asked my mum to come and just be with me while I go through some tasks I have anxiety about and have been procrastinating on. She is coming soon. Sigh. The effect of the Valium has taken the edge off. It’s okay right now.

I’ve got a Skype appointment with a Mindfulness therapist tonight. Something to look forward to. Oh and I replied to a guy who looks interesting on the dating site, a wise looking academic around my age. I would like something good to happened balance the adversity. Maybe a new pal would be just the ting. Let’s see what happens. Thanks for listening. It so helps to be here. Pic is of some new shoots already appearing in the park.

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