Today I switched my new light box on, 10,000 lumens blasting into my face for 20 minutes. I am going for every bit of support I can think of just now, just to keep my head above water. And this one seems quite benign compared to the medication options, though I did take a sleeping pill last night. It didn’t work, and neither did it the previous night. Awake middle of the night for hours, racing thoughts…I sit up and read to distract and listen to Tara Brach.
I had just recovered from one litigious client drama of the day when I made the mistake of reading my emails last night and it was a lawyers letter from a client there threatening to sue me for a lot of money. Its all pretty unfair and unjust, but she has the money to take me to court and I don’t have so much money. And the money I do have I saved for buying a flat as I have to move again soon. Now those plans are under threat.
I did find a small refuge of wellbeing though, at one point I relaxed into the idea that ‘this too shall pass’ and I really felt it, put my hand on my heart in an act of self compassion. And yesterday I started swimming again. I am grateful for all the help Im receiving. My mum, uncle, my neighbours, my pal, my son…and the paid help too! and this here blog and you who take the time to read this. It so helps just to express it.
Today I am bursting into tears a lot.