Still struggling!

Woke up in intense anxiety at 4.30am. Spent several hours listening to Tara Brach talks, this one in particular is helpful on the subject of recovering from trauma. I feel less alone at least, which is hugely helpful in itself. Feeling alone in suffering multiplies the pain of it but we really are not alone, so many are sharing the experience of pain. It also helps explain why I find Mindfulness difficult just now, the fear is just too overwhelming.

I need to take action. I’m going to call the doctor this morning and get an appointment. Some anxiety reduction medication would help to break the hold this has on my nervous system just now. “Flushed with stress” is how Tara Brach puts it and it feels like that. The system is awash with anxiety, the limbic system is dominating. I feel in danger, and can’t seem to rationalise this. I know it’s not true, I’m not in any more danger than any other time. But when you feel afraid then the brain gathers “evidence” to substantiate that sense of danger. I’ve got an appointment with the therapist tomorrow night.

So emergency measures are needed. Phoned the doctor and asked for medication, they can’t see men till Wednesday…I am seeing a counsellor tomorrow, but just asked her if she can see me today…and I am about to make another appointment with a Skype Mindfulness teacher I spoke to before a couple of times. He really helped me reduce the anxiety before. And I might go for a swim today.

Lately my self support system has broken down. Arrived at the pool a few times a few weeks ago to find no parking spaces so had to come home. This broke my routine and I stopped going, started thinking there’s no point in another wasted journey. So havnt been swimming or going to the gym. Both of which helped me manage the stress of running a business.

Also I notice that my identity is a bit thrown with not having someone or something to look after any more. I feel useful and my life has more meaning when looking after the dog or my son, or my dysfunctional friends. All of those are not around me now. I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself here, but I need to just write this all out. So do I get another dog? I loved my walking pal, but he keeps getting angry with me due to his mental health issues and I can’t have that, it’s too painful. Stressful. I know he regrets it each time afterwards, but he never apologises or ties to repair the damage to the trust. So being around someone like that is like walking on eggshells, quite stressful. So even he had to go. I have next to nobody around me now except the employees and my neighbours. I notice I’m starting to share too much employees. I shouldn’t be burdening them with my stuff.

And now I have to move out of this place. Not right away which is good, got 6 months. But still it is disquieting on top of all the other change. This legal wrangle with the client is sending me over the edge stress wise too, it’s lawyers letters back and forth, blame attribution, big money demanded. Money I was going to use for a deposit is now going to have to be paid out to her. She might even take me to court which could bankrupt me if I lost.

My son living in Columbia is also quite stressful. I was more relaxed about his safety when he was in Spain.

I do not feel safe myself at the moment. I feel in danger, irrational as that is. I feel I could do with a minder, a companion, a coach. Talking helps me, but who to talk to? Not my mum, that would just stress her out, she likes to think of me as a coper. Maybe my friend, though we don’t share as much now and she has her own problems. My sister I don’t know if I trust her, she has lashed out unpredictably recently. My neighbours, I don’t want to burden them with this, or have them see me as someone who is floundering. I like their admiration and how we focus on doing well and being successful in life. I’m scared if cry if I opened up. I cried with the therapist last week within minutes of opening up to her. She is into transactional analyses, so that will be interesting. I seem to be in terrified child mode just now.

It’s 8am. What to do today? I’m meeting a new puppy to walk. I put an ad online for one, to see if anyone wants any help with dog walking. Got a reply so going to meet that puppy today at 3pm. I could go and visit the guys but that client is so so difficult I’m afraid of what is coming next with her. I’ve got 2 other projects with men on sites but I feel similar, I don’t want to know about the problems right now. Maybe I leave that side of work today for when I feel better. Let the guys deal with the clients I feel anxious about. They present constant problems and challenges to deal with. They try my patience severely in some cases. I just got a 26 point snagging list from one. He has an unreasonably high expectation and I anticipate conflict with him too. This is so anxiety provoking to me right now.

My nails are still sore where I have bitten them down. Some sort of satisfaction from that. Peculiar that. I normally go to a nail salon and have acrylic nails done, so I don’t get a chance to indulge the nail biting habit. So I tore them all off the other night and got to my real nails underneath which I then bit right now. Such shame I felt. Shame I would feel if anyone saw what I did to myself. I know it’s not like cutting myself but it’s similar in them sense of giving pain to myself.

The difference right now to my normal experience of suffering or stress or fear, is that I don’t feel the space around the experience. I feel submerged inside it. I’ve lost my awareness of connection to the still quiet centre within. I actually walked around the woods in anxiety yesterday, that’s almost unheard of and it makes me even more worried.

It’s 8.30 right now and I can hear the rush hour traffic outside. People going about their business. That causes me anxiety too for some reason. I don’t know why, I feel separate from the world and its concerns right now.

I think I’m locked into, a big resistance to this fear. I’m going to play with turning towards it with acceptance today. My fear response is jammed on right now and it’s not pleasant. It’s agony. I need to talk to someone about it, but who is available. Just called the Nhs doctor and have got an appointment in an hour! Hopefully they give me some help to break this grip. Emergency measures.

Still listening to Tara Brach talking about fear. Need my frontal cortex back! This is helping. Just having her voice in the background is soothing.

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