Need to Write

It helps a tiny bit to get this out, to just express what is going on. Even though I know how crazy it all sounds. My uncle called and I told him I’m pretty stressed and he is coming to visit at 11.

It’s weird how I’ve had this business for so long, about 10 years now in my own, and another 4 with the ex husband. I’ve been though such difficulties with it but at the moment it feels like a massive huge burden. But what else would I do to make a living? I have no idea. So many jobs have gone wrong this year. So many horribly difficult highly entitled clients. To be cont.

Went to the doctors, burst into tears and explained the anxiety and was offered antidepressants and sleeping pills. Citalopram and Zopliclone. I don’t really want either, I was hoping for diazepam. Do I go an a journey on anti depressants? I always felt that was a weak option not wise, and I’ve read they are dangerous and can lead to suicidal thoughts. I’m not quite there and don’t want to be either. But then again….

My uncle was just here and I was open with him and he cheered me up. I took half of one of those Zopliclone tablets the doc gave me and either is was the uncle visit or that or both but it dissipated the anxiety enough for me to not be in clenched up agony. Now there’s some space around the anxiety and it’s not taking centre stage.

I brought tomorrow’s therapy appointment forward to today so I’m seeing her at 4.30. I’ve got a puppy to meet at 3 with a view to taking it out for walks. Just for the company and the fun. My old dog Kalinka brought endless daily fun into my life and what a huge difference that makes to the general mood. That is therapy in itself. So might be time for a dog to save me.

I’ve got another therapy appointment week with the Mindfulness guy, and another doctors appointment on Wednesday with a private doctor to get some diazepam. Hitting it from all sides! Need to be careful with these highly addictive substances though.

The GP doctor said anxiety around menopause is very normal. And that I’m doing all the right things with nature walks, swimming, Mindfulness etc. Well normal or not I want to be happy not freaking out in fear. Little update, I fell asleep after taking the other half of those meds. And no anxiety present, it’s been blocked chemically I think. Feels great though not to have it.