I’m just going to write this all out no matter how it sounds. I’m finding that almost everything I think about it producing stress at the moment. And I’m feeling a level of physical stress that just isn’t going away all day. Even today when I went to the woods for a walk, and I was stressed and anxious the whole time…even when walking in nature! And I bit my nails right down again and awake to the pain I caused myself and have had that all day, so short they are sore now. I feel ashamed of myself for harming myself like this. I am confused by it too. Maybe it’s just a manifestation of feeling stress and anxiety. I’m not enjoying anything much just now.

I’m seeing how important my stress busting routines were, and I stopped doing them a few weeks ago. I see that they kept the stress from doing what it is now doing, overwhelming me. Got fed up with the dirty showers in the Hilton so stopped going swimming and exercising. And not going to the park as much, now that my walking pal lost his temper with me. I’ve stopped contacting him. That’s twice he has got nasty with me and it would be disrespectful to myself to keep allowing that behaviour. I havnt been going to Mindfulness classes either. Feeling too stressed for Mindfulness. That sounds ridiculous but sometimes the last thing I want when feeling this anxious is to sit in it.

So my support system is also greatly reduced too…I’ve got no dog, and no son here now. I’ve got rid of a few dysfunctional friends and a couple of close friends have died or moved away. This is what reduced resilience looks like!

I’m having trouble making the smallest decisions too. My confidence is low. Hoping this will help to write this all out.

Watching David Attenborough just now which is slightly calming. And Tara Brach endlessly and repeatedly. Eating healthily too.

Why would I stop doing the things that I know keep me well and healthy and calm? Self sabotage of course! Actually some events have become too stressful for me to control without extra help. When I saw the therapist last week her eyes were popping as I described the amount of changes I’ve experienced these last 2 years. I’m aware it’s a lot. I suppose I just thought it would be processed by now. But nope, it’s getting worse.

I’ve been thinking of a vision of the future that encourages me through this. As of yesterday I know I have to move out of the flat within 6 months. I have been passed for a mortgage for £250k, and have a bit for a deposit so my idea at the moment is to buy a large flat with 3 or 4 bedrooms and rent at least 2 rooms out. That would pay the mortgage and give me company too. And I’d get to choose the lodgers too of course. I’m quite lifted by this thought, though also the thought of such a commitment is scary too. So I have started looking and that’s quite fun. Got some candles and flowers in front of me to soothe my heart.

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