A bit of geographical movement helped to shift the mood last week. I took myself and a friend’s delightful 16 year old to a cottage up the Wild West coast, and met his mum and partner there. Then a reunion with my dear old pal A, and to my surprise her father The Laird accepted a dinner invitation in the pub too. The following day another dear old pal, Al and his sparkly partner visited. It was all so very warming for the heart. It helped me tremendously, along with the very elemental feel of being next to the ocean, with skeletal trees, dramatic light, and rocks. And at one point I opened up to my good friends S and J who came with me, the extent of my difficulties and stress level recently. It so helped as I’d been keeping it all inside, other than all here. I would like to tell them how much that meant to me, but not wanting to look weak or needy disallows that…I prefer to look like I’m not only coping but thriving if I can. I also don’t want to ‘bother’ people with my problems.
I did the attachment type test recently, and got the detached type. Aloof is a coping mechanism I have, to look like I don’t need anyone. I really som need contact and connection though. Another trip today – I drove almost 3 hours to a gorgeous 14th century castle seeing a potential new client and their 2 friendly retrievers took to me and I to them. I remembered intensely how much a dog’s joy and love effects me positively.
Then after driving most of the day I arrange to pick up a friend to go for a walk in the dark and the rain, just for the exercise of it and because we haven’t connected for a while. I’m tired. He starts talking in a fiery way about a political issue and I don’t have much energy but give a counter argument and it descends from there. We arrive at the destination and he gets out slams the door and cancels the walk saying he will walk home….2 miles in the rain. A display of self sabotage in action. Well I ain’t going round the woods on my own in the dark so I leave. The pal is depressed I know, and unfortunately he is easily triggered to anger. I can’t keep allowing this though. I think another friendship bit the dust.
So a mixed bag the last 72 hours, mostly bearable to happy.