A glimpse of what stability feels and looks like recently. Smoothness. Not getting in my own way. Allowing the perfection to arise. Solutions to appear when required. Letting go of that which requires being let go of. A little zen moment here and there. Not wanting much, or expecting anything from life.
Came out of my solitude a couple of times over the last week, and both a chance to observe myself in company. Saw how relatively calm and stable I am now. It was noticed how calm I am and a couple of people approached to ask about mindfulness, which they had heard I was into.
There is something lovely about holding back on trying too hard, when a lifetime of striving has been practiced. I was always wanting more more more, squeezing the magic out of many experiences with that approach. Now I expect little. I know hardly anything. I avoid vexatious people. Most people actually.
Having a little love affair on my own with the flowers, the birds the trees the river. The work too, the clients and their expectations, the money side. Spikes of anxiety arise. Sharpness becomes a felt bodily contraction, pain. I turn to it, and embrace it. Rock it gently in my arms. I know how to deal with suffering now, it isn’t so scary.
Not feeling phased by shortages here and there, the odd mishap or accident, it all passes sooner rather than later anyway and its all fresh and new again. Moving on and moving on through.
The love affair with myself is finding new expression. Every day I am in the gym for an hour and a half working the weights and doing aerobic exercise, then a swim. A new hobby of upping the fitness, of looking after myself in a new way. Self compassion in another form. The result is greatly increased relaxation, energy levels and sleep. Simple.
It is a new wellbeing tool in my toolbox. And a new adventure!
Its a simple solitary un-needy life these days. Such a contrast to my drama queen tendencies of the past. I feel very little urge to be with anyone from my past. These relationships have such well worn rehearsed responses and expectations. It feel toxic while I learn these new ways of being. I maintain well wishes to them all though, no rejection required. We are all making our way in our own way.
Here is a short list of well being practices from the last week
- I bought myself flowers last night, my favourite Freesias. Placed them near where I sleep so that I can enjoy the delightful aroma.
- Doing the recommended 10,000 steps nearly every day (big rest on Sundays).
- Bought dumb bells and doing exercises I looked up on Youtube
- An evening walk every day, through the woods and flowers, up the river or through the walled garden. And in all weather, seeing the beauty of the rain too. Allowing my curiosity to change the route when it feels right
- Just sitting outside for a few minutes just being. Resting.
- Using the senses regularly through each day, grounding in the present. What do I smell, feel, hear, see.
- Being okay with, not judging myself harshly for or hiding from – just observing the anger, irritation, impatience, nasty thoughts etc.
- Doing what I want , trusting my promptings
- Remembering to thank this body, for example, giving my feet a little rub.
- Being extra kind to everyone, especially those I know need some friendship and company and encouragement. They benefit and I do too.
- Eating freshly cooked food, lots of vegetables, buying organic a bit more. Taking a couple of vitamin supplements too at times, Vitamin D, Multivitamins.
- Washing my bedding more often and enjoying the feeling of it and the increase in self care.
- Feeling grateful, and remembering how great and how easy life is in so many ways, compared to 100 years ago, for example.