Fear of Feeling

I am learning to ‘be with myself’ and through this practice, to be at ease. The wise kind parent self, the real ‘Self’ can now accompany my little scared self as it experiences feelings. I am practicing throughout the day recently. A pause here and a pause there, whatever I am doing, I allow the feelings space to arise and be felt. I first take a conscious breath or two, to bring my attention into focus.

I then locate the feeling in the body. I turn towards it with care and kindness. If it feels right, I ‘move’ the feeling somewhere, to my lap, to the right or left of where it s located.

It quickly dissipates. At least when it is mild general anxiety. With practice I expect I can learn to do it with stronger fear.

I realise that I have been resisting ‘cushion time’ meditation practice as it was too uncomfortable for me to sit and experience the fear and anxiety I was feeling for any length of time.

I wasn’t sure what to do with it, and I was sitting focusing on it and hoping the mindfulness would dissipate it. That wasn’t working most of the time, as subtle resistance was present to fully relaxing. So as I didn’t want to spend time in anxiety I avoided sitting in silent meditation.

I have been instead using guided meditations on my iPad, walking meditation in the park, my weekly class and the taking of short moments through out the day.

What was missing before was the important steps of locating the feeling in the body and then turning towards them with kindness. Moving the feeling too is proving to be helpful.

Now I am sensing that I am ready for some cushion time, for periods of silent non doing.

I am feeling encouraged and quite thrilled that a way through this blockage is possible, and I am enjoying using this new tool of being with myself, of chumming myself along through various feeling states.

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