Not by getting drunk and ill with it this time, but I bit a nail right down till it is painful right now this morning. I remember doing it too, and being conscious I was doing it and not being able to stop. Right in compulsive behaviour again. Okay its a small thing, but it is tangible as my finger hurts today, and comes directly after a really particularly happy day.
I remember thinking – wow, life is looking up, and change in a positive way is arriving.
Yes it was a highly enjoyable, stimulating, relaxed and smooth day. I was out and about with our new designer and we made a lot of progress with our plans to work together and integrate her into the company. We got on very very well together too.
Looking for clues that might have led me to self sabotage…What was different about yesterday?
- I am letting go of my tight control of design by allowing another in do design
- Trusting a relative stranger by sharing so much valuable business info
- I felt excited again about the business for the first time again in ages, her enthusiasm rubbed off on me.
- I felt way more relaxed than usual
- I had someone to talk to about business and who is interested and I loved that.
- Freedom beckons – Having another designer onboard frees me up considerably. That is a joyful prospect. To be able to go away on holiday for more than 3 days at a time!
Then in the evening, I went to the compassion meditation course, part 5. That was also tremendously enjoyable and useful. The topic was all about the ‘self critic’, and the group was small so much intimate valuable sharing took place, very nutritious. I felt free and able to express myself naturally. I voiced my appreciation and gratitude out loud.
So yes a very successful day. Could hardly have been better, it was perfect.
Could I allow myself to enjoy it till the end ? No, I somehow felt compelled to cause myself pain in some way. Some sort of setback required by that scared part of me to bring things back to a familiar painful place of pain? A punishment? I don’t fully understand the mechanism. Some sort of feedback control mechanism perhaps, homeostasis at work.
It is great to see this sabotage mechanism so clearly in action again. I am moving into unknown territory. I am being around people more and more who don’t play down their talents, who don’t belittle themselves, who have a path in life that has led them to be free to rise to their potential. This is something newish for me to be around people who are successful in their field of endeavour. I have a very successful poet living here with me, I am mingling with famous classical composers, singers, conductors and accomplished musicians. Many of these people have their own Wiki pages!
Before the people I spent time with were mostly unable to support themselves or find a place in society, poor and on the dole, or dependent on parents, unable to find their talent or if they did too lacking in confidence to develop it and thrive, many struggling with diagnosed and undiagnosed mental health issues or adoption/rejection or addiction issues. I often wondered why I spent time with these people. They never got better and repeated old patterns over and over.
Almost all were old associations made as a teenager and continued for decades, or my parents friends kids, so choices made when I was young and more immature. Maybe it made me feel more sane/confident/successful being around these people. Maybe I would have been too threatened being around the thriving talented ones? They all shared my self sabotage tendencies. We all liked to smoke dope back in the day. They didn’t judge and I loved that, it was okay to fail. I am glad they are not in my life now, even if I am having to go through this kind of lonely period.
I am curious about these successful people I now starting to spend time with and what is it about them that has allowed them to progress. I am interested in understanding how we can all progress and explore our potential like this.
I am interested in what facilitates this in people in general and what prevents it from happening. I pick up here and there in conversation with them that these successful artists, poets, musicians, dentists, architects have come from backgrounds that supported their chosen field. They are relatively unhindered by low self worth, negative self talk, lack of confidence etc. They have been encouraged early in life and have also worked very hard through obstacles. They expected to be successful in what they do.
I have also become successful myself and I am good at what I do. I need to let that fully sink in. It is okay to do well. If it makes others uncomfortable then find some others who it doesn’t disturb.
The part of me that feels scared about it, I am learning to turn to that afraid part of me with care and compassion. Like a kind parent comforting a loved child. To turn my loving attention towards whatever I am feeling as I am feeling it.
Locate where in my body I identify the sensation of the feeling. Meditate on it, be with it, allow it. By observing and being with the feelings in a kind way I can ‘be beside’ them rather than ‘becoming’ them. Allow them without becoming overwhelmed by the distraction they pose. Like Buddha under the Bodhi tree smiling calmly at each temptation to go off centre, and not budging. Hell yeah, doesn’t that makes it sound easy!
Breath, soothe and allow.