Kickback

After that marvellous breakthrough, then came the self sabotage last night.

Yesterday I was still highly enjoying an anxiety free, calm and pretty happy state. I had an amazing swim, got some work done, went on a long ramble through the woods with a friend, returned home well exercised and ready to relax. I also had one more important bit of work to do for a client who was expecting it to be sent last night.

Instead I drank far too much and awoke this morning feeling still intoxicated and unwell. I haven’t gone for my usual swim this morning as I probably still have too much alcohol to drive yet. So I am now sitting here not able to organise or think straight or do my work.

Clearly its the old tendency at work, to undo the good and healthy ground gained and it is an example of hitting an upper limit and putting the breaks on by engaging in self destructive behaviour. I am grateful for such a clear example of it and curious about how to deal with it.

Off to do some reading and to apply some self forgiveness and compassion!

Good little article on it here “Self-fulfilling prophecies are all about self-sabotage, about acting in ways subliminally contrived to confirm negative beliefs about yourself. It may be failure, not success, that–ironically–enables you to stay securely within your psychological comfort zone. For however self-defeating, your assured defeat may validate your unfavorable bias toward yourself”.

Midday now. It’s raining outside, I haven’t been out yet, just drinking lots of lime tea and honey, keeping warm and comforting myself. I am moving into acceptance of my feelings around this self sabotage. I notice the shame and guilt and in doing so they are acknowledged. No further story required though. It’s just a blip that is already history (apart from the headache!) and a learning opportunity. A chance to observe my behaviour honestly and with kindness. 

Feelings around financial success are being looked at right now, my own ambivalence about it. And thoughts about encouragement and lack of it, of support and lack of it in early life and later on. Family and friends have generally not been positive and encouraging, just a bit nothing really. Nobody really ever says ‘you are doing great’, ‘well done’ or anything like that. Oh apart from my clients they love our work. My mum seems bored by the victories and successes and more interested in any problems. There’s a clue right there, about my own ambivalence. I was brought up to believe that poor is good and rich is bad. So on some level I’m in dangerous territory now as I’m not poor any more. I think I am holding myself back, and seem to do as little work as possible each day and I don’t feel driven to make lots of money. I’m wary of nurturing material ambition. My goal has been to kill out ambition actually. I am also experiencing many positive aspects of not being poor. (See I can’t even allow myself to say the words wealthy!) Less concern or focus on money, and the ability to give to worthy causes brings me satisfaction. 

I have had to reach out and bring encouraging people into my life. My business mentor for example. I have forgotten about the value of encouragement and support. Here I am moaning about the lack of support. I’m not sure that is even true. I could do with giving far more encouragement and support to others actually. And to myself – bingo! Yes. But it’s useful to look at my fears of doing well, being secure, healthy and happy and touch on the origins of the beliefs I carry around it all. What would allow me to step right into my strength ? Continue with compassionate nurturing of everyone including myself. 

Success is not just about money though of course. My fears about being successful include being happy. When you come from a household that unpredictably interrupts joy with anger fear and terror even, you learn not to trust happy. You learn to stay away from it, no point in being disappointed over and over. That’s where that pattern came from. So I never really learned to relax or trust it enough to let it stay. 

I have been gradually removing the sources of my stress and drama and pain, the self destructive and druggy friends, the angry, abusive and unstable people, the financial worries…and life has been so much smoother. Now nowhere to hide, the inner obstacles have become more apparent with fewer outside distractions and nobody to blame my stresses on.