I am in a energy slump at the moment, not energised or inspired, just getting through each day as best I can given the low energy levels. I still do quite a lot of business tasks of course, but not doing much that makes my heart sing. I don’t even know what makes my heart sing these days, though it was very singing and dancing on holiday. Do I just need to go on lots of holidays to places that arouse curiosity? Will I get a puppy?!
Wake up, make bed, get dressed, into the car, changing room and costume on, have a swim, dry hair, drive back here, make tea, browse FB, read some stuff. Attend to some emails, answer the phone, text the guys. Sometime I feel like Im just going through the motions, keeping myself healthy, fed, clean and entertained and not really knowing what else there is. I have been feeling fed up for ages, since the dog died I suppose. I keep having fantasies of travelling, and I look up flights often.
Much of this is my ego talking, it loves its likes and dislikes…the spirit doesn’t give a shit and wants growth, likes and dislikes are secondary.
What do I Like about my Life? Lots of Loves and Likes. I love my kid, he is fab, and Im so enjoying watching him grow up and the way he is growing up. Like my mum these days. I like some people. I like this freedom of time I have every day. I can pretty much do what I want most of the time. I like how quiet it is here. I like how at peace I am these days. I like that I live in a beautiful house in a gorgeous area with mature trees and large sandstone detached houses next to a massive woodland park wth a river. I like how close to the city I am and it is so easy to get around. I like that I am not in debt now. Like the music on. I like my neighbours. Like the FB community. Like the new compassion based mindfulness course I started last week. I like my computer and car and view from the windows. I quite like my job and business usually, not at this moment though. Like how cosy this flat is. I like the new mindfulness compassion group I joined. I like how my magpie repellent is working…put up reflective discs and they art making a noise now.
What Don’t I Like? I don’t like being bored like this and unmotivated. I am not enjoying this business just now. Hoping its just temporary and not my deepest inners dragging me off in another direction. I feel fed up with its relentlessness of the responsibility. I don’t like being alone with it all, the stress of that. Nobody to bounce off, to work things through with, to share with. Don’t like being this alone most days all day. I don’t like that my dog is no longer here, that we don’t go on our daily nature walks. I miss being in nature but don’t feel motivated going every day on my own. Plus its winter and its cold out there. I have empty nest syndrome as I have discussed n previous posts. Its a different life no longer being required to look after anyone. Just myself! And now that novelty has worn off a bit. I am looking after myself these days.
Entering the zone of inner peace with the help of mindfulness took the rug from under my restless roving habits and my scared ego. It plonked my right here and right now where life happens. Now I am facing life. I am facing myself alone, all of me. Its not exactly thrilling stuff. Its often painful. There is nothing to hang on to. The ego is in agony as it free falls. There is little to run from either, the fear was another motivator that has largely gone. Now there is stillness. Ongoing relentless stillness. I do have fear and anxiety still, just not to the same extent. I am no longer afraid of everything all the time!
What am I scared of? Im scared I am not making the most of this life. I am scared I am making mistakes that I haven’t realised yet. I am scared Im under a level of stress that is dangerous to me and I don’t realise it.
There are these cycles of transformation that are hard to navigate, the tools once used no longer work, and new ones are to be discovered. Sometimes I wonder if I could just be a touch more indifferent to my own suffering that would be grand.
“nothing that is imbodied, nothing that is conscious of separation, nothing that is out of the eternal, can aid you”.
Light on the Path, Mabel Collins