I just had a dear old friend staying for a couple of days so there was some socialising going on in contrast to the solitude I have grown accustomed to. We had meals out, walks in the park, lots of catching up on thoughts and feelings and ideas. It was fun and interesting to have his very safe company and a change of rhythm for a few days. Once again I see that life provides what I need when I need it. I don’t have to do much other than agree to what life suggests or disagree.
The mind is so addicted to problems that when most if not all problems disappear that is deemed to be a huge problem!
Desirelessness is being explored, experienced and wrestled with here. What happens when you just start to appreciate everything exactly as it is. When you witness that life takes care of every need. Goals seem to just wither away. I find that I do not want anything more out of life than what is presented to me each day. I am not trying to acquire anything or get anywhere. I marvel at the extent to which I am fully supported. There is nothing wrong. Nothing for me to do, except take these small steps each day towards health and wellbeing.
This is to all intense purposes inner peace and contentment. No more chasing after things. Something that my 25 year old self would have strongly desired. I find myself asking, now what? And then I realise that is not a relevant question. I will know what is next because I will find myself doing it.
It is also hard not having big goals to achieve though. For many years I had mission and goal to live an alternative eco land based communal lifestyle in a big country house co-owned with some like others. Now that I could actually afford to do this for the first time in my life I find that I don’t have a need to do that. I like this rented flat at the moment, I love this area of the city. It is all just simply perfect as it is.
This is disquieting to the ego, which prefers goals, desires, ambitions and to get meaning from those things. It wants me to identify what is wrong so that it has something to do and to fixate on. It is finding itself out of a job. This is very uncomfortable. Not to want anything isn’t all that easy in a society that is run on desire and aversion.
The question ‘what to do’ still occurs regularly though. Part of me still want to ‘do’ something out there in the world. I have this life ahead of me that I want to maximise and not waste it (fears) and have the possibility of exploring anywhere I want (desires) and yet neither are enough motivation to get me making arrangements.
Today I could take myself into the mountains for example, but I am happy sitting right here. I am scared I will regret this doing very little though! There is something marvelous about how the way discontentment gets one roving about exploring and experiencing life, the good the bad and the ugly.
Instead, I am happy to stay put and to be in this lovely warm room where I can make lemon tea on demand, I have a nice seat. I like being still and don’t have to drive for another 10 minutes. I feel grateful for what I have and this is much bigger than any discontentment I might have about the small kitchen here or not having a garden.
This is a feeling arising of feeling about the staying put in the one spot that I have been doing lately. This is largely in response to as my friend put it, the ground shifting under me’ in terms of my life circumstances changing so much. I am respecting that this is a time to retreat a bit from life just now. This is how things are right now. So what else to do other than appreciate what is going on in front of me. This is where this lack of ambition and desire has led me, to a big thank you. And the gratitude is taking me further into the present moment each day, and helping to melt the resistance to being present. Everything is perfect.