Relinquishing control

I am still feeling low. But once I reached a tipping point in how much I could cope with, and faced fully that I was simply feeling fed up, the stress has eased a bit. I just gave up trying hard to do or be anything. I accept that I am feeling tired, its mid winter and I am recovering from some painful experiences. I lowered my expectations on my happiness level, forgive myself for not having the energy to achieve very much, and have since spent a lot of time doing the minimum I have to to get through each day. I really enjoy running a business, but it has been relentless and this is definitely burn out kicking in. I moved from having one team to 2, which means double the work for me, and then even more when M was off sick.

So many little things, even this last week, have been going wrong at work with our projects as we try to finish for the break, too many to list, from a whole garden having to be redone due to the wrong paving going down, to the digger and dumper breaking down, to personnel issues…. I gave up on having a stressful response to it all. Just robotically went into solution mode. I say robotically, but it is more just responding without an inner drama about it as I dont have the energy.

So taking it easy. Eating healthy, keeping up my morning swims, a few walks in nature and sleeping long at night, getting up when I want, going to see live music regularly, enjoying family dinners. Drinking way too much wine though and eating more than I need, but its that time of year and I am letting myself off with it without too much judgement. Will have a purge in January! I am making a point of reading encouraging and uplifting material and positive articles about people having breakthroughs and successes, and not focusing on world political events so much.

I am noticing that I am not the only one having a hard time just now. In my circle of friends almost everybody is going through something difficult. Maybe its being around 50, or that it is midwinter and world events this year have affected the mood and optimism level of many. Trump, Brexit, wars, terrorist attacks, mistrust, the rise of the far right….that has evoked a collective air of uncertainty I feel. I’m not sure how much it has effected me, but it doesn’t feel like we are dancing our way to a more equitable, environmentally conscious, prosperous place in a hurry.

I have to let all that go and be here and now with what is in front of me. I watched an old man labouring to walk down the road out the window earlier with a walking stick.

I can appreciate the simple things in life. I am warm, healthy, I can walk, I am not hungry or in physical pain, I have a beautiful view from this room of trees. I am enjoying my son visiting for the holidays, my family are in good health, I have a car that works. I can remember what I have and allow the soothing effect of feeling grateful for life’s blessings. And there are loads.



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